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Winter always smacks us in the face. Our tights drawer is a denier dog’s dinner, Michael Bublé has emerged from his cave, and we’re yet to do the obligatory Boots swoop – meaning the discovery of a rather pitiful, lone Lemsip at the bottom of our bag is a jackpot. One thing we can rejoice about is the fact that it’s ice skating season.
We all love to pull out our inner Torvill & Dean, but forget to mentally prepare for the encounters on ice. So please, in order to avoid receiving a frosty reception, watch out for one of these five fiends of the freezes.
Elsa On Ice
Alright Somerset House ice queens, we get it. Your glide is smoother than Barry White’s voice and your grace screams Swan Lake. What’s the crack then? Is your bestie a snowman? Because when you’re at one with frozen water, it’s the only logical answer. Take your bouncy Nordic curls underneath that stupidly fluffy beanie (even though we secretly want to know where you got it from) and go back to the igloo you came from.
Romeo & Juliet On Ice
If winter wasn’t enough of a warning that we shouldn’t be single, love’s young, hand-holding dream ought to do it. Their double wingspan takes up so much room on the Winter Wonderland rink and us poor wall-huggers haven’t the confidence to overtake. We're stuck behind, as they laugh and giggle into each other’s eyes. And as unwilling victims, we can vouch this situation is far from funny.
Bambi On Ice
Sure, they clung to the side and it took 16-and-a-half minutes, but they've done a lap of the Natural History Museum rink. And they absolutely nailed those freehand sections where the entrances are. And they stayed up. However, some novices seem to channel their inner Disney deer, spending 87 percent of the time face-planting onto the ice. Their mate Thumper helps them up, but before long they’re in a heap again – doing a sterling impression of you last Saturday night after 12 tequilas. Stick to the learner section, babes. This ice stuff is hazardous enough.
Eleven On Ice
WHOOSH! What was that? A blurred, colourful creature on the Hampton Court Palace ice. Anyone know what it was? Oh. A skating child. And it’s fucking fearless. Did you skate out of your mother’s womb? Because with skills like that at a prepubescent age, you were either born on a glacier or you have superpowers. Trust us – we’ve seen 'Stranger Things'. Isn’t it past your bedtime? GO HOME, KID. You’re making us wonder if we were deprived as children.
Dom Joly On Ice
There’s always one that takes it too far. And it’s normally that moonwalking skater, who’s straight out of the office and onto the Canary Wharf rink. He finds it rib-crackingly funny to perform practical jokes on beginners, all to make the IT gang laugh. Picking up speed, he does a few spins and pretends to lose balance and collide into learners (when really, we know he’s trying to disguise the fact he once auditioned for 'Billy Elliot on Ice'). If icy stares weren’t enough of a warning for him to back off, then perhaps us accidentally-on-purpose cracking his ribs off-ice will be.