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The star of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ has had some real dating horrors in her time, so who better to advise/scorn other people’s romantic quandaries?
Dear Trixie, I'm pretty much a newbie when it comes to dating. But all of a sudden there are these two really cute people that want to date me and I don't know what to do or who to go with. Their names are Tieler and Sebastian (one's a boy, one's a girl). I'm really close to both of them so I don't want to hurt either. What do I do? Love, Dominica
Trixie says 'The obvious short-term choice is to get two apartments, two jobs and two lives. Give 100 percent of your 50 percent to each lover. Long-term, if you want free babies, pick the guy. If you want someone to give you the best sex, pick the girl.'
Dear Trixie, this man texts me and talks to me all the time, but then he won't talk to me in front of his friends. This is not how I want to live my life but he's so cute and he wears grey sweatpants all the time. What do I do? With concern, Blake
Trixie says 'Blake, have you seen the movie 'The Sixth Sense'? If he is acknowledging everyone in the room but you, there's a chance you might be dead. Moonlight as an Uber driver until you pick up Haley Joel Osment. If you can see his breath, you are dead. If you're still alive, try wearing a bold pattern.'
Dear Trixie, I have trouble meeting people. I'm very introverted but loud and extrovert around my friends. So finding new friends and love interests is really hard. I've only ever had one relationship, years ago, and it only lasted a month. Please help. Love, Sarah
Trixie says 'Become a famous TV star and gay icon. Then people pay money and queue up to meet you against your will. You can't stop it and you're forced to touch strangers. Soon you grow to hate people and you become cold inside, but you get more numbers in your phone.'
Dear Trixie, I'm 33 and can't find anyone my own age to date. Should I be looking younger or older? Thanks, Tim
Trixie says 'Tim, no one at 33 has anything to offer you. Thirty-three might as well be bones in a coffin. Try Tinder. Analyse the selfies. If his selfie is taken with an antique camera with the sheet and the smoke, he's too old. If it's an ultrasound, he's probably underage.'
Hey Trixie! Will you date me? Thanks, Jill xx
Trixie says 'Jill: if you're a girl, no. If you're a guy named Jill, still no.'
'Trixie Mattel: Ages 3 & Up'. Backyard Comedy Club. May 8. Season 2 of her show 'UNHhhh' returns to YouTube in the spring.