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Eddie Izzard is here to solve all your London problems

Who better to turn agony uncle for our city than would-be mayor Eddie Izzard? Here he tackles your toughest London problems, from dating dilemmas to hoverboard hangups

By Alexi Duggins

Dear Eddie: ‘I’m living in a city of millions but Valentine’s Day is looming and I still don’t have a date.’
Darren, Stoke Newington

Dear Darren: ‘Here’s my advice on how not to let a lack of a romantic relationship get you down: there are plenty of fish in the sea – so why not go out with a fish? They’ve got a terrible memory, which means you could tell them the same joke over and over again and they wouldn’t get bored. You’d always win arguments too, as they’d never be able to remember the point that they were arguing.’ 

Dear Eddie: ‘I secretly want one of those hoverboard things but I’m worried I’ll look like a tit.’
Miss K, New Cross

Dear Miss K: ‘No! Buy it! Although they’re not actually hoverboards, are they? In fact, get a real hoverboard from “Back to the Future”. If they don’t exist, start trying to invent one. Because if you’ve got one of them, no one’s going to think you’re a tit. They’ll think you’re super-cool. Plus, you’ll make a lot of money, so you won’t need to live on baked beans.’

Eddie Izzardportrait

‘Don't worry about looking like a tit. Buy the hoverboard’

Dear Eddie: ‘It’s too cold to leave the house but I have to go to work.’
Gareth, E14

Dear Gareth: ‘This isn’t a temperature problem. It’s an opportunity to get a new look. Look at polar bears. They’re always in the cold, but they dress warmly, so they’re always happy as Larry. Pop into North Face: there are some very groovy clothes now that can make you a whole lot warmer. So you can still look fashionable, even when you want to spray anti-freeze into your face. Although I suspect polar bears don’t shop at North Face.’

Dear Eddie: ‘Sometimes, when I’m stuck in a massive crowd of pedestrians, I have to fight the urge to punch them out of the way.’
Chloe, Camden

Dear Chloe: ‘Don’t do it. I can’t see a positive here, to be honest. Rage is not good. If you’re experiencing that kind of anger, you need to chill the fudge-cake out. Maybe there’s some kind of plant that you could roll up and smoke which might calm you down. I’ve heard it said that there might be.’ 

Dear Eddie: ‘I’ve always dressed in weird stuff from charity shops but now people shout “Get a life, hipster twat” at me. Help!’
Jimmy, Elephant and Castle

Dear Jimmy: ‘Punch them out. That’s where the rage goes! Hipster seems to be a pretty good place to be to me. Fashion is a circle that goes round from “looking like a dickhead” to “looking normal” to “looking cool” and then back to “looking like a dickhead”. At the very cutting edge of hip and groovy, you will look like a dickhead, because you’re doing fashions that don’t exist yet.’

Dear Eddie: ‘I love black cabs but keep using Ubers, so I’m racked with guilt.’
Rosie, Crystal Palace

Dear Rosie: ‘Here’s a way to rid yourself of that guilt: cabbies have their own app now, I believe. Use that instead. Do not use Ubers until they pay more tax. If they’re earning money here, they should be paying tax here.’

Eddie Izzard portrait

Dear Eddie: ‘Most of my wages go on a flat so tiny I could screw a symbol of a man on the door and people would think it was a loo.’
Donna, Dalston

Dear Donna: ‘Perhaps you could talk to George Osborne and stop his austerity programme. After all, why should there be a capitalist financial crisis where the lowest-paid people have to suffer for it? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s George Osborne’s fault.’

Dear Eddie: ‘I’ve got an issue with London: it doesn’t have an ace stand-up comic as mayor.’
Ken, SE1

Dear Ken: ‘If one presented themselves for election, you could vote for them. In 2020 I will run for something, but if Sadiq Khan gets in as London Mayor this year, I’ll go for member of parliament. It could well be for somewhere in London, but you can’t really pick where you run as an MP. Could Labour win in 2020? I’m not sure. We’ll have to see what happens over the next year, because Jeremy Corbyn has to do his thing. I’m more of a radical moderate – do radical things with moderate methods. Until then, you’ll just have to KBO: keep buggering on. As Churchill used to say.’ 


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