Five awful pandemic dates
The threesome nobody wants
'I matched with a girl online and took her out for a nice, socially distanced date this summer. Everything was going well until the point where she asked me if I’d like to meet her friend. I was happy to do so until she explained that it was her imaginary friend who had been with us all the time. I laughed thinking she was joking but it turns out she was deadly serious. I turned down the opportunity of heading home with them both'. Michael*
The bad connection
'I went on a socially distanced date this year and we were really well behaved, keeping our distance despite clearly finding each other attractive. It all went downhill, though, when he insisted on hearing my phone sex technique... as "That's the only way we'll be able to get frisky". He kept bringing it up, before deciding that it would be a good idea to give some examples of his own skills. It was massively embarrassing given people could clearly overhear what he was saying. We didn't meet again. Or chat on the phone.' Ben*
The lip-licking pandemic denier
'I matched with a guy who was really funny, worked in the art world – tall, dark and handsome. Tick tick tick. So, one evening outside The Blind Pig when a portly, balding man showed up, I was a little disappointed. But hey, I know nothing about art so thought at least we could have a nice, friendly evening. He was fully masked up when we met, but then when we sat down to eat, he took it off and started licking his lips. And he COULD NOT stop doing it. Everyone has their nervous habits – but licking his lips like a dehydrated salamander AND staring at my chest simultaneously? Too much. I knew it was time to leave when he started talking about how the pandemic was all a hoax and that the vaccine was a way of controlling our minds. I made a swift exit making an excuse about a friend who had just gone through a bad break up and needed a cuddle.' Steph*
The 'was it worth it'?
'I’d been talking to a woman online for a few weeks and we got along super well, so we decided to meet up in a park. We hit it off instantly and the chemistry was next-level. We tried to maintain social distancing and keep our hands off each other, but the temptation grew too strong. She invited me to hers, but said that we had to be super sneaky because her flatmate wouldn’t allow anyone to come over. We had an amazing night together, but in the morning, she insisted I creep out the window. She lived on the second floor! I reluctantly agreed, but as I started to shimmy down the drainpipe it began to come away from the wall. I fell down into a rosemary bush and sprained my ankle, and she didn’t even come outside to help me. Suffice to say I haven’t seen her again.' Camille*
The tardy spewer
'A guy turned up two hours late to our first date – his excuse was that he was at a barbecue out of town and didn’t feel comfortable taking public transport so walked most of the way to the pub. We went to the Duke of Edinburgh in Brixton for a pint and had a lovely time, but as we were getting up to leave he goes "Oh no", grabs his pint glass and fully vomits into it. Somehow none of that was a deal-breaker for me and we're still together!' Penny*
*All names have been changed.
