After a string of sugared-up taste tests, ranking hot sauces seemed like a surefire success. A dash of sauce here and there couldn't possibly be as stomach-churning as macarons and donuts. Of course, we were wrong (though you'd think the bottle of Pain 100% would have tipped us off).
Photograph: Michael Juliano
We tackled the taste test as scientifically as possible. Each person would taste and rate all 29 bottles, awarding it an overall score, spiciness rating and an ideal complementary food along with any stray observations. The bottles were neatly organized across the table—Angry Cock here, El Chupacabra there—with the potentially spiciest tucked away in one corner for last so as not to annihilate our tastebuds right away. Everyone had their own tasting strategy, but they all more or less amounted to the following: Squirt some sauce onto an unsalted cracker or tortilla chip and then, well, then this...
Photograph: Michael Juliano
It wasn't all that terrible at the start. Water and a slice of bland bread were enough to extinguish the fire, but that quickly gave way to a dwindling supply of beer and frantic trips to the fridge for a glass of milk. Then the Formidable Dread came along.
Photograph: Michael Juliano
That sudden eye-popping moment became the norm as we worked our way up to those sauces that sounded like they'd been named after a rollercoaster: Xtreme, Insanity and its quicker acting cousin, Temporary Insanity. The reactions were almost cartoonish, stopping just short of fanning animated flames from our mouths.
Photograph: Michael Juliano
The "mmm"s subsided as the comment cards filled with "DO NOT. WHY." The smell of sweat and chili peppers began to overtake the conference room. Our photo editor Jakob croaked that he could feel one particular sauce crawling down his throat, while food and drink editor Erin looked winded.
Photograph: Michael Juliano
You simply can't triumph over 29 bottles of hot sauce without a bit of agony—except if you're our champ of an intern Stephanie, who sat unfazed through the entire test, sampling Formidable Dread like it was a spoonful of honey. Now someone please hand us a comforting bottle of that sweet, sweet Sriracha.
Ready to see our list of the best hot sauces, ranked?