Fia Steak

Fia Steak is the kind of upscale steakhouse that, if you didn't know any better, you'd think takes itself too seriously. It might have something to do with the stained glass window of St. Fiacre—the 7th-century Irish patron saint of gardeners—who watches over the brick and red-walled dining room. Or the oversized portraits of Scorsese, Michael Jackson, and Pam Anderson on her knees. Or the exquisitely dapper servers who either moonlight at The Magic Castle or could be vampires. But once you're seated in what our server called the "Chapel of Fia," you realize sacrilege is the point—and you're in on the joke.

You won't get out of here for less than $150 per person, but it’s well worth the experience. Fia Steak is built for celebrations—birthdays, anniversaries, bachelor parties (all of which were in full swing during a recent visit).

The cocktail menu is stacked and worth the full tour (across multiple visits, of course). Even more surprising: the NA penicillin and spicy paloma come dangerously close to the real thing—and are among the best NA cocktails in L.A.

Skip the $99 tasting menu and go à la carte. The largest portion of grilled Castelvetrano olives with olive oil and sea salt you've ever seen will have you snacking through the entire meal, as they should (and do in Italy). A spicy ahi tuna cigar is as absurd as it is delicious—arriving at the table in a humidor, your server offering to light it should you want a photo op smoking caviar (did we mention it's loaded with caviar?). Theatrics aside, don't skip it. Neither the prime beef tartare with smoked paprika aioli, pickled fennel, and more castelvetrano olives, served alongside garlic toast. Baby gem Caesar is dealer's choice—traditional or grilled—both prepared tableside. Either way, they don't skimp on the white anchovies and it's exquisitely dressed. 

The star of the show is the steak, mostly Creekstone Farms, with the option to go Australian or Japanese wagyu (including A5). Not sure what tickles your fancy? You will once you see the raw cuts presented on a silver platter. A 14-oz New York strip, cooked to a perfect medium-rare, is ideal for two to share at $89. I didn't think the steak needed any sauce, but they've got the classics—peppercorn, bordelaise—plus truffle butter and chimichurri. A Niman Ranch tomahawk pork chop and New Zealand rack of lamb round out the non-bovine options, and if you happen to bring a pescatarian by accident, the branzino gets an excellent Mediterranean treatment. For dessert, the move is the chocolate soufflé with Grand Marnier anglaise. Wash it down with a 40-year-old port. And don’t forget to genuflect on the way out.