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Hollywood Sign
Photograph: Courtesy Hollywood Sign Trust. All rights reserved.Hollywood Sign

67 things you'll never hear an Angeleno say

Tourists, visiting cousins and gluttons for punishment may speak such silliness, but true blue Angelenos? Never.


1. Look! The Hollywood sign!

2. I'd love to give you a ride to LAX.

3. I'm gonna take a little joyride up the 405 around 5pm tonight. Clear my head.

4. Who does yoga anymore, honestly?

5. The boardwalk at Venice Beach doesn't scare me at all.

6. Wait, what's "animal style"?

7. USC students seem so well adjusted and down to earth.

8. I respect our city's Latino heritage by correctly pronouncing Cañon Drive, Los Feliz and Sepulveda.

9. Public transportation is so practical here.

10. I'm doing this thing now where I only eat gluten.

11. I can't find a farmers market anywhere.

12. Kale is so over.

13. I wish my agent would stop calling me.

14. There will definitely be street parking.

15. I've been a Clippers fan for decades.

16. The housing market is totally affordable right now.

17. Free tote bag? Nah, I'm okay.

18. I'm so glad that developer tore down those Spanish-style bungalows to build these snazzy new condos!

19. I can name my city councilman.

20. The Grove is a super cool place to hang out.

21. Hey man, those paparazzi are just trying to make an honest living.

22. I'm a producer, but my real job is in the service industry.

23. Let's grab a quick lunch at Pink's.

24. Should we walk there?

25. I love hanging out at Santa Monica Pier with all the locals.

26. The night sky is so breathtaking here.

27. Why yes, I would like to go on a celebrity home tour!

28. This taco truck sucks. Let's go to Del Taco.

29. Jeez, nobody will issue me a medical marijuana card.

30. Scientology is legit.

31. Money's kind of tight right now, so I think we're just gonna go to Disneyland this weekend.

32. Rain, again?

33. The Fountain shortcut always works—it's like a secret no one knows about!

34. Can I have your autograph?

35. Dolby Theatre.

36. What's Spiderman doing on Hollywood Boulevard? Let's ask him!

37. Cash only? That's cool.

38. Street sweeping is definitely about clean streets, not doling out parking tickets.

39. Man, I really wish Villaraigosa was still our mayor.

40. They're not real!

41. Don't worry, cops don't care about jaywalking here.

42. Vin Scully? Who's that?

43. Dude, the Hollywood Walk of Fame is like the eighth wonder of the world.

44. Malibu Wines at 10am? That is a terrible idea.

45. I wish more helicopters would fly over my neighborhood.

46. We have a plentiful supply of water.

47. Let's hail a cab.

48. Please come stay at our hotel. Nobody famous ever partied/played/died here.

49. Whoa, these were factory-made with non-organic materials halfway across the world? I'll take three.

50. There's room for everyone on this surf break. Paddle over!

51. Let's go to Hollywood and Highland!

52. Go ahead and wear the other team's jersey to the Dodgers game. You definitely won't get beat up.

53. I am not tempted—nor am I made inexplicably ill—by danger dogs.

54. I need to shovel out the car.

55. LA really takes great care of its sidewalks.

56. I'm so sick of avocados.

57. Left on yellow? Wouldn't dare.

58. I should really pick up LA Weekly more often.

59. I bet those city officials in Bell were really hard workers. They probably deserved those raises.

60. Coachella is not a complete and utter shitshow.

61. You know what this city needs? More jorts.

62. Carmaggedon ruined my weekend, just like they said it would.

63. I got my puppy from the pet shop at the mall. Couldn't resist.

64. Craft beer? Boring.

65. I have no strong feelings about the Eastside versus Westside.

66. Chinatown? Never seen it. What's it about?

67. New York is cooler than Los Angeles.

What's missing from our list? Tell us in a comment below.

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