13 cheat meal ideas in Miami that are worth the calories

The crack kitchen staff at Brickell’s finest gastropub combined two of the best-selling and cholesterol-boosting things in its menu—the brisket and short rib burger with the mac attack mac and cheese—and topped them with maple-smoked cheddar cheese and a dollop of aioli for good measure. Add a couple of carby, buttery buns and you’ll see why Bernie Sanders used his dinner here to inspire some talking points on health care.

This edition might be a little different than the traditional Cuban: it’s 16 freaking inches long—though it doesn’t sacrifice quality for quantity either. Each sandwich is slathered in a layer of the spicy secret sauce that some claim makes it highly addictive. It’s also baked in a pizza oven and topped with garlic butter, somehow finding a way to add more greasy goodness to a sandwich that already has two kinds of pork.

The fried chicken at the original Yardbird is certainly a cheat day hall of famer. But it’s also $26, and you can’t get it at the airport. The Yardbird sandwich, however, is only $8 and has that same delicious fried chicken served on a potato bun with Duke’s mayo and pickles. And since we’re not counting calories here, make sure to grab a couple of biscuits and sweet tea to wash it all down, too. Plus, if you’re flying out of Terminal D from MIA, t’s also available to put you in an in-flight food coma.

Sometimes it seems like chefs just pick four unhealthy things out of a hat and put it on the menu. Case in point: The truffle egg tater tot waffle, which sounds like a string of ridiculousness but actually sums up to a rather enjoyable dish that lives up to its name. A thick, sweet waffle is topped with a poached egg, then finished off with shaved black Perigord truffles and Parmigiano fonduta. If you’re into rich foods, there’s not a better brunch item in the city.

Understanding its clientele isn’t always in a state to make the healthiest choices (it’s the city’s requisite stop for drunk food), SoFi’s fabled diner gives us this monster where you’ll get a wagyu burger topped with applewood smoked bacon and cheddar and served between two glazed donuts. Though as Sunday morning South Beach bad decisions go, you could do a lot worse.

You like french fries? You like empanadas? You wish somehow someone could combine the crispy, salty goodness of a french fry with the flakiness of a fried pastry? Then maybe serve it in a bowl made from literal potato chips? Spud heads rejoice, because PM Buenos Aires has figured it out. This advent in fried-potato gastronomy is like no fries you’ve had, especially when topped with a sweet cream cheese sauce that, unfortunately, really leaves you with no room for steak after.

Oh, so you assume that just because it has ‘cauliflower’ in the name, the nachos at Sweet Liberty are, in fact, healthy and not a cheat meal? That’s rich. It’s also got nachos in the name, which means that keto-tastic vegetable is not only fried, it’s placed on top of very un-keto tortilla chips along with melted cheese, avocado crema and pomegranate seeds—which may be full of antioxidants, but still don’t cancel out the fact you still ate an entire bowl of nachos.

Everything at Blue Collar, including the salads, could qualify as a top-tier cheat meal ideal. And with serious hat tips to the burger, the Corben, and the vaca frita tostones, the one dish that nearly everyone can agree on is Blue Collar’s bread pudding. That’s because it’s not just bread pudding, it’s brioche bread pudding, made with butterscotch and Heath candy bars, creating a complex, multi-textured version of bread pudding you’ll be hard-pressed to finish in one sitting. Not that you have to limit yourself to dessert exclusively on cheat day, but if you’re picking one thing to fling you off the diet wagon, this one is it.

You can knock this pizza down a half-point off the cheating scale, partly because its giant meatballs are made of turkey! It’s basically health food, right? If that helps you sleep at night, go ahead, but try not to think about how much this pizza weighs when it hits your table, glimmering white with dollops of ricotta cheese atop a generous portion of mozzarella. Two pieces will probably fill you up, so you’ll have some left over if you’re inspired to cheat again the next day.

There’s no shortage of places in South Florida plating up gooey gourmet mac and cheeses for your artery-hardening pleasure these days. But Red’s been doing it longer than any of them. It’s hard to argue against the original, for which chef Peter Vauthy combines four kinds of cheese, fresh pasta and buttery lobster in one glorious bowl of indulgence.

Bocas could have done well enough for itself and its social media stardom by just topping its vanilla shake with a brownie and calling it a day. But in true Miami fashion, it went all-in on extra, adding Nutella, chocolate truffles, a second brownie and a bonus scoop of vanilla ice cream to secure its Instagram stardom. It’s still a social-media darling, and the Nutella shake has become quite possible Miami’s most photographed food.

It’s like the folks at the Taco Stand were sitting around one day, looking at an order of nachos, and said to themselves: “You know, this plate of chips, cheese, sour cream and meat just isn’t cutting it in the grease department. How can we give this baby a week’s worth of saturated fat in one paper basket?” And thus birthed the carne asada fries, a generous portion of french fries topped with steak, guacamole, sour cream and cheese. It’s a fork-and-knife kind of situation, but don’t let the messiness keep you from digging in.

Perhaps the team at CAO were inspired by the folks at Big Pink and their doughnut-bun burger. Maybe the CAO team was stumped for ideas on ways to elevate the humble pastelito. Either way, the result of a Machiavellian food experiment is essentially a guava-cheese pastelito that’s been stuffed with smoked country ham and gouda cheese, and then pressed to create the sweetest Cuban sandwich you’ve ever had. You can get it with a side of bacon-wrapped plantains if the usual deep-fried variety wasn’t doing it for you. And maybe a couple on insulin shots to help you make it back to your car.