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1. The stinky subway car
It’s the eternal question: is it worth braving whatever disgusting smell is causing the majority of passengers to flee that subway car in order to have a seat? Yes, it’s been a long day, but you’ll never to be able to un-smell that stench. Decisions, decisions!
2. Beach Gentrification
Not only do New Yorkers have to worry about being priced out of their neighborhoods, or slowly surrounded by Chase branches and frozen yogurt shops like a pack of very dull predatory wolves, they also have to worry about their go-to beaches being "discovered." (Who would have thought Jacob Riis would ever be full of artisanal food vendors and flower wreath saleswomen?) Watch out Fort Tilden. You're next.
3. Having an ugly Marilyn Monroe moment over the subway grate
Marilyn might have made it look cute, but ladies all know that being taken by surprise by that hot, dirty rush of air is anything but pleasant. And it seems to only happen when you’re wearing either your most revealing pair of underwear beneath that skirt, or your most embarrassing.
4. Getting bed bugs
Sitting down on any cushioned item comes with a risk: the chance that tiny, blood-sucking vermin will attack (and make their way home with you). The anxiety this produces is very, very real. We’re itchy just thinking about it.
5. Exploding manholes
We’re still a little confused about what happens when salty snowmelt hits electrical wires, but whatever causes manhole covers to spontaneously shoot into the air is no friend of ours. With all the other daily stresses of the city (you know, like subway delays and figuring out how to make rent this month), heavy metal disks flying through the air are something we could seriously do without.
6. Being unable to hail a cab
It’s raining, you’re running late for a dinner, and somehow, with the thousands of taxis in this city, nobody will pick you up. Where, oh where, is a cab with its lights on?!?
7. Finding your bar tab is equal to average rent in another city
Buying your table a couple rounds of $13 cocktails adds up real fast. Best not to think about the bedroom that tab could pay for in Nashville or St. Louis. That night out was worth it, right? Right, guys?
8. Things literally falling on you from the sky
New York is a vertical city. That gives us rooftop bars with gorgeous views. It also, however, means that things can drop from very tall heights and literally crush you at any moment. Air conditioners, drinks, coins, gigantic construction cranes. They all could be making a beeline for the top of your head right now.
9. Figuring out how to haul heavy things home (and up to your fourth-floor walk-up)
That vintage cabinet is beautiful and one-of-a-kind and on sale, and yet the hassle of getting it home may mean it cannot be yours. Would it fit in a cab? Will it still be on sale after we go rent a U-Haul? Will any neighbors or friends really take the time to help you carry it upstairs? Will it fit around the curve of the staircase? Oh, fuck it.
10. Getting kicked in the face by the Showtime guys
It could happen, people! And it would hurt. Plus, their music’s loud and all we want to do is read undisturbed until we make it home. Is that too much to ask?!?
11. The L train
Enough said.