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13 New Year's resolutions every New Yorker makes but never keeps

13 New Year's resolutions every New Yorker makes but never keeps
Photograph: Courtesy CC/Flickr/Anthony Quintano

With New Year's Eve just around the corner, now's the time to reflect on all the shit that happened in 2016, and focus on the positive changes you can make in 2017. That's right—we're talking about New Year's resolutions.

Let's face it, New Yorkers are really good at setting themselves up for failure when it comes to giving up our vices. (To stop taking Ubers and eating a bagel every morning for breakfast would be a sin.) And there's a good chance you won't even remember what your goals were for the upcoming year once you down a little too much champagne at one of the most awesome New Year's eve parties in NYC. 

Think we're wrong? Well, not to be super-pessimistic, but we've come up with 13 of the most-expected resolutions for New Yorkers, and reasons for why they'll never work out. 

You all know how it starts: In 2017 I will…

1. Take fewer cabs and Ubers, and start utilizing our city’s world-class subway system more.
But wait, it’s the coldest time of the year. Just walking two blocks feels like you’re trying to survive a Gary Paulsen novel, you honestly haven’t felt your fingers for days and every subway station looks like the shed from The Thing. Maybe you’ll cab it just this once.

2. Stop ordering Seamless every night and start cooking.
All you have to do is figure out how your oven works, how food is made and where to find the food for the cooking. How hard could it be? Actually, pretty hard it turns out! And you totally forgot you have to finish binge-watching The OA tonight so…

3. Start a spreadsheet and keep a detailed track of my finances.
This starts out ok, but after a while you can’t help but feel that Ms. Spreadsheet is getting a little judge-y about your lifestyle choices. And you’re not about to let an out-of-date Microsoft Office product tell you how to live your life, that’s for damn sure!

4. Be kinder to tourists.
You know you should give out-of-towners the benefit of the doubt and try to break the “rude New Yorker” stereotype, but all bets are off the minute someone whips out a selfie stick.

5. Buy groceries with real nutrients rather than surviving on bodega snacks.
Look, your reliable bodega guy has memorized your sandwich order, and already suspects that you’re cheating on him with the new all-organic market down the block. Do you really want to sacrifice another sturdy relationship in your life?

6. Make it to the gym on a regular schedule.
This seems like a good idea in theory, but you know what? There’s pretty much always something more fun to do than go to the gym. Like, every single night, actually. And you probably burned a good amount of calories just schlepping around that extra bag for two weeks.

7. Call and visit home more often.
With this resolution comes great sacrifice, since you’ll have to do two things you hate: Fly through LaGuardia airport and talk on the phone. You might as well just stick to email and fly mom and dad to New York this year. 

8. Never miss a ClassPass workout.
Sometimes the $20 skipping fee isn’t always enough to get you out of bed when it’s 20 degrees outside. Oh, screw it. There’s a 50/50 chance your instructor won’t mark you absent anyways.

9. Explore the city outside my neighborhood.
Let’s face it:You can’t beat turning up to a bar where everyone knows your name. And you finally managed to cuff someone that lives seven blocks away. That's it, you're never leaving. 

10. Save money by washing my clothes at the Laundromat.
The second you realize you don’t have enough quarters for a full wash and dry, and the only nearby ATM charges a $3 fee, you’ll go running back to the sweet and easy fluff and fold service next door.

11. Run during the New York Marathon.
You’ll be all gung-ho about this at first, but eventually, a marathon will turn into a half marathon, then a 10k, then a 5K—and you’ll find that you purchased a bunch of really expensive running gear only watch TV in it. 

12. Eat less dollar-slices.
But that’s like saying, “I won’t go out for drinks, drink way too much, stay out past 4am, leave my credit card at the bar and beg a stranger for a dollar, just so I can burn the roof of my mouth on this euphoric and cheesy masterpiece.” The short answer? You won't. 

13. Never drink again.
Seriously, who are we kidding here? 

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