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Photograph: David Williams

14 reasons it’s impossible to move away from New York City

Written by
Tolly Wright

You probably know that if you moved there'd be a lot of things you’d miss about New York, but what you might not realize is how downright impossible it is to leave the greatest city in the world. It’s not just because you’d be saying goodbye to the best restaurants, museums and music scene, but also because adapting to anywhere else after living here is hard. Here’s why you can’t move away:

1. New York pizza has ruined you
Do you really think you could resign yourself to sub-par chain store greasy cheese and saccharine tomato sauce forever?

2. New York bagels have ruined you
Maybe the legend is true and it’s something about the water, all we know is that bagels everywhere else are just tough loaves of round shaped bread.

3. You’ll have to exercise more
Without a daily commute that involves at least 20 minutes of walking, those pounds are going to add up fast.

4. Decorating a large space intimidates you
Once your bedroom is more than a glorified closet those two posters and fun bed spread will not count as chic decor.

5. Large open space intimidates you in general
Remember that one time you stumbled on a field in Prospect Park and you couldn’t see a single person. There was nobody for as far as the eyes could see and the trees blocked the buildings. Freaky, right?

6. Your bodega guy would miss you 
How are you going to break the news to Alex when he’s given you so much: $1 coffees, lucky scratch-offs, late night hours for beer runs?

7. You don’t remember how to interact with children
Who are these small humans and why do they speak like that? Must they always have spaghetti sauce and ice cream on their hands?

8. You’ll need a new excuse for why you’re perpetually late to work
“The subway was fucked,” just won’t cut it in Denver.

9. You don’t remember how to drive
Maybe you’re okay for a quick go around the block when you visit family and friends, but spending the average 46 minutes per day behind the wheel that most American’s face? Not happening.

10. You don’t remember how to cook
Right now your oven is serving as storage space for your shoes, there’s no way you’re going to function with only 15 options (or less!) on Seamless.

11. You’ll get lost
Life off the city grid is confusing. If you can imagine a large, city-scale version of Greenwich Village you’re basically envisioning Boston. Nobody has time for historic quaintness when they’re running late.

12. Your building’s super
Sure, there are probably a few apartment complexes in other major cities with on-site supers, but nobody knows how to fix a leaky ceiling or fill a mouse hole quite like your guy.

13. There’s nothing to do after midnight
Almost everywhere else in the country the bars are closed, by law, at 2am. A 24-hour hair salon? Fugget about it.

14. You'd lose your bonafide New Yorker credentials.
The title "New Yorker" is so sought after the world over, and–according to many–requires a damn long time living here to earn (by some count 5 years, others say 10). You're going to throw that away now?

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