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Photograph: Courtesy Creative Commons/Flickr/Vasilios Sfinarolakis

24 thoughts that go through every New Yorker’s head during a heat wave

By
Will Gleason
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End of summer? What end of summer? With the temperature reaching 94 degrees in Central Park this afternoon, New York managed to hit the highest temperature recorded on this date since 1919! And with humidity factored in, it fills more like 100 degrees. (Good thing the city’s beaches stayed open an extra week.) On days like this, there are a few thoughts that are bound to go through any Gothamite’s head.

1. Are my legs moving? I can’t tell anymore.

2. Should I pretend to shop at this Gristedes for an hour?

3. So this is how I die. I always thought it would be in line at Trader Joe’s or during morning rush hour at the Bedford stop.

4. Did I just hallucinate my spirit animal on this subway platform? Am I a rat?

5. What deal did those Midtown fashion and PR girls make with the devil to always look so unaffected by this heat?

6. 3x Uber surge pricing is worth getting out of this heat, right?

7. Remember how cold winter was? I should just be grateful that—NEVERMIND JUST BRING BACK THE COLD.

8. Maybe people just think my shirt is this color and I didn’t sweat through the entire thing.

9. Am I waiting for an F train on this subterranean platform or Charon?

10. I can't tell if anything in Times Square is real right now or if I'm having a fever dream. Should I become a desnudas just to wear less clothes?

11. Oh god, this office is freezing. I miss the heat.

12. This office is so cold, my sweat has now frozen and I’m slowly sinking off my chair like Leo DiCaprio at the end of Titanic.

13. Is there a way to get to the beach that doesn’t involve being in the sun or trapped in any form of transportation at all?

14. God, I could use a pitcher of margaritas.

15. God, I could use a pitcher of sangria.

16. Wait. I should go a to a rooftop bar tonight. What's a rooftop bar that doesn't suck?

17. Which side of the street should I walk on from here to my apartment so that I’m continuously in the shade?

18. Why isn’t it socially acceptable to carry one of those mini fans around?

19. Why do I live somewhere so humid? I really have to learn how to drive.

20. What are the odds of this bodega being air-conditioned? Let’s find out.

21. Why did all those Barnes & Nobles and Borders have to close?

22. Is that person flirting with me right now or just brain-dead heat staring?

23. I would step in any form of water right now. I would stand under an air-conditioner for 10 minutes.

24. You know what? I could really go for an iced coffee.

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