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5 NYC transport companies we'd take if Uber drivers go on strike

By Ned Hepburn
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Uber drivers are voicing frustrations this week that the company's recent discount offerings have lead to decreased wages, and are forcing drivers to work extra hours to compensate. According to Buzzfeed, SUV and black car drivers have complained that they've been forced to accept the rates of the regular UberX sedan drivers, meaning that while riders are getting a pretty sweet deal, the drivers of said cars are getting paid less than they'd usually make. Drivers staged a small protest at Uber's Long Island City headquarters earlier this week, and some have allegedly switched to rival Lyft. A larger group of drivers are planning a strike on Monday, so until that gets resolved, we've come up with five other transport companies we'd like to see in New York, with a list of the most important points in their business plans.  

HipstUber

  • Only work when they feel like it. 
  • Have a hard time following directions. Or applying themselves, really. 
  • Bottled water? Fuck that. These drivers have Crystal Pepsi. 
  • Are the drivers hungover? What are they listening to? Will they take off their sunglasses?  
  • Did they just pull over to tweet and left the meter running?
  • All bad things aside, they totally know where to find good tacos.  

Touristé

  • Will drive you around the same block three times while talking on the phone. 
  • Has no idea where Brooklyn is. 
  • Bridge? What bridge? 
  • Sorry I can't hear you. 
  • Nope. 
  • The car is emission free because it runs entirely on contempt and loud sighs. 
  • Can be found exclusively in Times Square and SoHo. 
  • If you pop the trunk there are 4,539 lost cellphones. 
  • If you live in New York for more than 3 years and know your way around, Touristé switches over to ReguLift™ and you have no problems getting anywhere as long as you remain even somewhat vigilant of your surroundings. 

Piggyback

  • Literally just a guy with New Balance sneakers who gives you a piggyback ride.
  • Who is this guy? We don't know. He smells like balsamic vinegar. Can't quite place the accent. Belarus? Minsk? 
  • Completely silent other than "Yes, thank you."
  • But it sounds like he means it. 
  • Does he even accept payment? All he seems to want is an honest handshake or a meaningful hug.   
  • Has eyes that seem to say "I know things. I've seen things. I've been to the other side and back and I'm here to tell you that you should live life unafraid."
  • Incredible unkempt beard flows in the wind as he delivers you. 
  • Warning: Piggyback driver may appear in your dreams later in life, unexplainably. 

Wanker

  • Wanker is the premiere car service for Wall Street bankers. Combining the words to form one easy, catchy buzzword for maximum exposure: Wanker. 
  • Sleek, black cars with tinted windows.
  • A charcutier sits across from you, does not make eye contact with you, and hands you expensive sliced meats, constantly apologizing for his presence with a near-whispered "So sorry, sir."
  • Best way to get around the Financial District! However, the car refuses to go any higher than 14th Street. 
  • Spotlessly clean car but we suggest using hand sanitizer because, well, there's a reason it's so clean.
  • The car runs entirely on the unrealized dreams of the bourgeoisie.  

Kvetch

  • Had a bad day? Kvetch drivers will listen to your problems the entire way to your destination…
  • …however, there is a mandatory trip to a diner with each trip…
  • …but it's OK because, god, who doesn't love diners? And what are you in such a rush for anyway? 
  • Did you try the smoked whitefish? It is to die for. Your brother is doing well. You should give him a call sometime. When are you getting married?
  • All drivers are required to look like George Costanza. 
  • Only drawback is drivers never seem to want to leave the Upper West Side. 
  • Cold outside? Here, wear a sweater. Too hot? Wear some SPF 150 sunscreen. Both are provided free of charge but only if you promise you'll call your brother. 

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