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Photograph: Courtesy Creative Commons/Flickr/Susan Sermoneta

9 ways we can think of to make the subway go faster

By
Will Gleason
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The MTA released a simple video yesterday explaining the current subway delays that we have a sneaking suspicion may have been created with the same technology used to calculate late-night arrival times on the L line. The 8-bit-style “Subway Delay Story” shows how one piece of service disruption can end up causing delays on an entire line and a simple way to fix it. Apparently, by holding other trains longer in a station not affected by a delay it will lessen delays further down the line. AKA The best way to fix subway delays is to delay more trains. Sounds about right!

After watching the Atari-like video, we couldn’t help but think of some other possible fixes to New York’s ongoing Subway Delay crisis. (Because who knows if that money from Albany is every gonna get here.) Remember New York, a courteous subway means a fast subway.

1. Install a Hunger Games-like system that forces any two manspreaders in the same car to fight to the death.

2. Institute a two-drink minimum for all subway performances which will at least make the ride seem like it's going faster.

3. Hand out free cronuts to anyone who takes their backpack off.

4. Grant the conductor the authority to force any commuter hogging a pole to perform a minute-long routine to Beyoncé's "Dance For You."

5. End door blockage by forcing everyone to enter or exit a train exclusively by Conga line.

6. Anyone who enters the train car before everyone exits gets dunked in whatever that liquid on the tracks is.

7. Allow rats into the cars to reduce overcrowding.

8. Anyone who abruptly stops walking on the stairs to text is given a "Bus and G Train Only" six-month suspension.

9. Fund the MTA's Capital Plan? Or just buy the MTA a lotto ticket.

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