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Brooklyn's Smallest Penis Pageant returns this Saturday bigger (and smaller) than ever

Will Gleason
Written by
Will Gleason

It all started with a late-night hookup. Aimee Arciuolo, a partner at Bushwick’s Kings County Saloon, went home with a gentleman four years ago who, in her words, “had the smallest penis I’ve ever seen in my life.” 

This story doesn’t end as you might expect. “He told me, ‘Don’t even think about it. I’m going to show you a great time,’” remembers Arciuolo. “And it turns out I had an amazing time.” The next day, kidding around at a bar with her friends, she joked that a pageant should be thrown for that guy. And thus, a (new) New York institution was born.

Now in its third year, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant, a celebration of the smallest members in the borough, is coming back this Saturday, and it's planning on throwing its most bizarre event yet.

“We’re doing a space theme!” reveals Arciuolo. “We’re searching the entire galaxy for the smallest penis.” That means this year’s crowd can look forward to (very revealing) space-themed costumes, intergalactic decorations and plenty of tiny lightsaber puns from host Chicken Bitches.

This pageant is not just about size, though. It has four rounds—formal wear, swimwear, talent and a Q&A—and is judged by Krystyna Hutchinson (Guys We Fucked), Liza Treyger (My Sexy Podcast), Natalie Shure (BuzzFeed), Kaytlin Bailey (The Creek and the Cave) and, er, “Chewbacca” (they weren’t kidding about that space theme). Eight contestants (hopefuls were able to submit video applications online from around the world) will compete, including 2013 runner-up Rip Van Dinkle, who offers a little insight into the mindset of those who put themselves forward.

“Two years ago, I was surfing the Internet and came across a story about the pageant,” says Van Dinkle, who lives in a different state (which he declined to identify). “I thought to myself, I have a small penis, I have nothing to do in June, I’ve never been to Brooklyn, so why not?”

The contest may be a body-positive celebration of all physical types, but there’s one thing that absolutely won’t be tolerated, says Arciuolo. “If there’s someone who’s obviously over six or seven inches and just coming to show off, they will be booed off the stage and forced to buy the judges a round of drinks.” See, big really ain’t better.

Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant 2015 is at Kings County Saloon. Sat 13; 2pm. $5.

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