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New York is going to be one hot, sweaty, sexually-frustrated mess this weekend

Written by
Jennifer Picht

We hope you have your air conditioner installed and own an electric fan, because New York is bound to be one hot, sweaty, sexually-frustrated mess this weekend. Why, you might ask? There are many contributing factors including everything from this unexpected heat wave to hot sailors in uniforms. Prepare yourself—things are gonna get sticky. 

1. The weather. This weekend is going to be a scorcher, as temperatures are said to reach close to 90 degrees. The good news? New York’s best beaches will be open to help you cool down. (But you’ll still be a sweating your ass off after schlepping all your booze there.)

2. People are wearing less clothing. It's too damn hot to wear clothing at this point, and we reckon people will be showing a bit more skin than usual. Nearly half-naked people = sexy time. 

3. It’s Fleet Week. Hello, sailor! We all know how hard it is to resist a hot man (or woman) in uniform. Since NYC is currently crawling with seamen, that’s enough to get anyone a little hot and bothered. C'mon, it’s our civic duty to show these brave souls a fun time during their hard-earned time off, right?

4. Lots of guilt-free day drinking. Memorial Day is all about remembering our fearless, fallen troops. But the promise of a three-day weekend means we get three days of boozing—and that makes us all susceptible to three days’ worth of drunken mistakes. And you can always justify your alcoholism with, "I'm just enjoying the weather!" 

5. Cuffing season is over. And this means people are more single than ever. 

6. MEAT SWEATS. Since MDW is also notorious for barbecue, it’s likely that you’ll be piggin’ out on pulled pork and sliders. This will bust your glands right open, making you perspire in the worst way. Not even a small, electric fan can save you. 

7. Pent up sexual frustration. After a long winter and a rainy rollercoaster spring, the beautiful weather has everyone feeling a little friskier than usual. 

8. Manhattanhenge. Okay—we have zero facts to back this up, but this dazzling sunset is just too crazy not to bring some sort of weird energy to the city.

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