And here we are: It’s the end of another year in Gotham. In a few days, crowds of people will pour into the crossroads of the world and watch as that glittering ball once again makes its grand descent through a shimmering cloud of confetti. All in all, it’s a truly wonderful tradition. However, if you’ll excuse my boldness, I would like to make a small suggestion: Perhaps we might consider canceling this year’s Times Square festivities. Why, you ask? Well, because I’m pretty sure we’ve already dropped the goddamn ball enough this year.
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I’m sorry, but I have a few lingering questions about some shenanigans during the past 12 months that I would very much like to have answered before the new year begins. For instance: Why did we get a new luxury terminal for animals at JFK when the current conditions for humans at La Guardia wouldn’t be acceptable at most zoos? Why was it still called Brooklyn Flea when for most of the year it was only in Soho? Why was no one allowed to swim in Anish Kapoor’s “whirlpool” when it was supposed to be “public” art? Why were there no bacon cosplayers at BrunchCon? Where was Gregg T. when Emma Watson was literally just leaving mysterious shit all over the subway system? Why did we blow up the old Kosciuszko Bridge and install a new Lite-Brite version a few feet away without renaming it after a Cuomo? Why did those MTA emoji STD PSAs never specify whether the sexters were, in fact, still on for tonight? Why did the NYPL forgive only children’s late fees when millennials are far more likely to have been cut off by their parents? Why isn’t it Cash Uber now?
And finally: Why, dear God, did the East Village need another Starbucks?