I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!
I met a girl through a friend, and she suggested we get together. I left for a work trip, so I texted her about grabbing dinner when I got back. I didn’t hear from her for three days, at which point she asked me to pick another day. I texted her back, and now it’s been more than a week with no answer. Should I give up? What did I do wrong?
—Alan, New Jersey
Alan, buddy, it’s over. A very unfortunate side effect of the rise of online dating (and people contacting each other almost exclusively via text) is rampant, incessant ghosting and flaking on plans. If someone actually wants to see you, nothing will stop them, so I draw a hard line on these situations; if someone doesn’t answer your text, it’s not worth your time or effort. Trust me, she saw your message. Then she chose not to answer it. You probably did nothing wrong, and this may have nothing to do with you, but you’ll never know, so all you can do now is move on and stop contacting her.
One of my boyfriend’s old college friends (who he used to hook up with years ago) is getting divorced. She contacts him regularly saying she needs advice. It’s never cut into our time together, but she clearly still has feelings for him. I do trust him, so should I address this or let it go?
—Annie, Upper West Side
If you’re not normally a jealous person, your hunch about this girl is probably correct. My point of view on cheating is, if people are going to cheat, there’s really nothing you can do about it (we can’t lock our free-willed partners at home 24 hours a day, no matter how much we’d like to). Pay attention to the situation, and feel free to voice your concerns to your boyfriend. If you trust him, though, and he hasn’t been acting sketchy, try your best to put it out of your mind and not make it more of an issue than it needs to be.
My ex and I are amazing friends and socialize more now than when were dating (sex issues led to our demise). The problem is, I can’t bring myself to hook up with anyone else. I feel like a cheater and bail on prospects at the eleventh hour. How can I get my groove back?
—Peyton, Financial District
You may not be dating this guy anymore, but you’re acting like it. The transition from romantic partners to friends doesn’t just happen—it takes time and thought. It’s great to stay friends with an ex if it’s a healthy relationship, but right now it’s not. Cut off contact with him for 30 days, make yourself a priority, then reassess how you feel. If you’re still feeling attached to him, take more time off. It’s up to you to move past this relationship so you’re ready for your next one.
