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Let Us Sex-plain: How can I get my man to last longer?

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Illustration: Alex Citrin

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

How can I get my husband to last longer?
—­­­­­­­Cynthia C., Staten Island­­

First, communicate in a loving way that that’s something you desire. Next, have him try some basic, natural “extending” methods. Do some deep breathing together for five minutes before you have sex, and once you’re getting down to it, stop physical contact every now and then for about 30 seconds to cool off a bit. Switch positions often, and try squeezing the head of his penis if he’s getting close to coming. Did you know men have their own form of Kegel exercises? They can train their “pelvic floor” by activating the muscle used to urinate, then holding it. That helps! Finally, make sure you get off first. This way, you’re both more relaxed going into sex, and there will be less pressure in general.

Why do some guys feel it isn’t necessary to go down on a girl, yet it’s a must for the girl to blow them? I need my bean flicked!
—Claudia R., Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Yeah, this is some pretty unfair shit, Claudia. Unfortunately, I think this is linked to society’s fucked-up attitude toward female sexuality. Think back to sex-ed: While I assume you learned about contraception, the general ins and outs of sex and how ejaculation works, you were likely taught nothing about your own orgasm. Society teaches both men and women that sex is for men—women’s own enjoyment and agency is largely left out of the conversation. This is an overarching issue that will take time to solve, but for now, speak up! Tell your partner what you want, and know that your vagina is sublime and deserving of worship. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. When we started dating, the sex was amazing—now he rarely seems to want it. Can I do something about it, or should I keep looking for my sex soul mate? 
—Julia L., Williamsburg

Picture yourself another decade down the road with this same man and his same sex drive. How do you feel? Angry? Unsatisfied? Like you’re about to throw yourself over the counter at the cute barista who gives you your morning coffee? Sexual compatibility is important in any relationship, and if you’re already feeling like this, it’s time to do something about it. Broach the topic gently, and talk through your concerns. Then try to take action, whether that means switching things up in the bedroom or even scheduling sex. If things don’t improve, it may be best to break things off with him sooner rather than later.

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Read previous weeks' sex columns

Let us sex-plain

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York. Read them all here.

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By: Jillian Anthony

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