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Let Us Sex-plain: How often should me and my boyfriend be having sex?

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

By Jillian Anthony
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I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

A friend and I were talking recently about how often we have sex with our boyfriends, and I realized she does it way more than I do. How seldom is too seldom?
—Anna, LES

Every couple, and individual person, is different when it comes to how much sex they’d ideally be having. If you and your boyfriend are on the same page that boning twice a week is satisfying, great! It doesn’t matter if your friend goes at it once a day—you’re not in that relationship. Problems only arise here if you and your partner have mismatched libidos and one of you is terminally frustrated, or if you’re actively not having sex because the spark just isn’t there anymore—that’s when you need to do some soul-searching and have a blunt conversation. But if the sexy time ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 

I’m in love with my older boss (he’s 58, I’m 47). We’ve had a flirtation, but he says he’s not interested. The problem is, I still can’t stop thinking about him. What can I do?
—Vish P, Flatiron

Rejection is always hard, especially when it’s coming from someone you have to work with daily. The good thing here is, at least your boss was honest and didn’t use his position of power to take advantage of you. You’ve got to make a decision to move on. Do your best to see the reality of the situation: He’s not into you, and you have to make this a liveable, positive work environment for yourself. Minimize face time with him, if possible, and stop the flirting immediately. Take the time to truly face this personal loss and mourn it, but once you’re ready, get busy dating some guys outside of work. Have you tried the apps? There’s a lot of New Yorkers of all ages looking for love or something like it out there.

How do you find someone normal in their 40s, and what if you want to wait several months before you have sex? I actually want to get to know someone.
—Stacy B, Astoria

How do you find someone normal ever, Stacy? It’s not easy for any of us. But the best piece of advice I have is to keep putting yourself out there, especially in situations you’re likely to meet someone with potential. Have friends set you up; be brave and ask out that man you’ve had your eye on; and be a “joiner”—get into activities you enjoy with like-minded strangers, from a classics book club to bird-watching to a volleyball league. As for waiting for sex, that’s always completely up to you, and the person you’re looking for will be excited to get on the same page and get to know you in a real way, too.

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let us sex-plain
Photograph: Shutterstock

Let us sex-plain

Sex and dating

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York. Read them all here.

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