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Let Us Sex-plain: I can never come—is something wrong with me?

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Written by
Jillian Anthony

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

Since I turned 39, all I’m ever interested in is sex. I don’t get the same pleasure from masturbating as I do from being with a guy, but I also don’t want to be one of those women who’s always having casual sex. Any suggestions?
—Tia D., Bronx
A high libido can certainly be a blessing and a curse, though it’s normal for your sex drive to change over time. If masturbation isn’t doing it for you, I’d suggest hitting up your local sex shop. There are literally shelves of vibrating toys, dildos and anal beads just waiting to please you. Be brave and talk to a sales associate about what you’re into—they’re experts, and they’ll send you home with something that will make you want to spend an evening in. And date! It’s up to you to decide when you feel comfortable sleeping with someone, but there are plenty of men out there who are just as horny as you.

My boyfriend spanked me and I liked it. Is that okay?
—Lisa C., New Jersey
Hell, yeah, Lisa! You shouldn’t let your man demean you in any way in your real life, but if, when it comes to sex, you’re into being called names or tied up or literally walked on, I say enjoy it to the fullest. As long as you and your partner are both safe, communicative and willing, then spank away, and explore what else you might enjoy—this could just be your gateway kink.

Do guys like watching a woman use a vibrator, or does it make them feel less confident in their abilities?
—Anna L., Upper East Side
Based on a (not-at-all-scientific) survey I conducted among friends and strangers on the Internet, I found that, yes, plenty of men love to watch their partners use a toy. My friend J tells me, “It’s awesome. It shows comfort, vulnerability and a desire to get down.” Incorporating a vibrator into your sex life can even make a man’s job easier, since it means having an extra player on hand to help you climax when trying fun new positions. “When the vibe is around, I get to have dessert for dinner,” J says. Indeed.

I’ve had sex a couple of times, but I can never come. Is something wrong with me?
—Lisa C., New Jersey
Absolutely not! If you’re new to sex, the whole thing definitely takes getting used to. For now, don’t focus so much on the orgasm itself but rather on exploring what feels good to you. Once you figure that out, tell your partner directly so they can help you reach that big O. And keep in mind that most women don’t orgasm through intercourse alone—throwing some manual or oral stimulation in there could definitely do the trick.

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Read previous weeks' sex columns

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