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Let Us Sex-plain: Should I tell my girlfriend what I found when I looked through her phone?

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Illustration: Alex Citrin

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

My girlfriend and I have been officially dating for a month. She’s been texting this guy Matt now and then, and when I asked who he is, she said he’s an old friend. But later I looked through her phone, and it’s clear they used to hook up. I’m pissed that she lied about this but am not sure how to proceed. Do I bring it up or drop it?
—Michael, Bushwick

Clearly you don’t trust her, and you actively betrayed her trust by looking through her phone—not the best start to a new relationship! I’d advise you to work on your own issues before broaching the topic with her, because you’re showing some nasty personality traits. Even if she used to hook up with this Matt guy, that’s in the past. She doesn’t have to tell you every detail about every person in her life (it doesn’t sound like she actually lied about anything), nor is it up to you to decide who she can or cannot talk to. Sometimes, when it comes to your partner’s past hookups, the less you know, the better.

I’ve been with my live-in boyfriend for five years and love him very much, but I’ve lost all desire to be intimate with him. When we have sex, I just want it to be over. He is obviously not happy about it. Help!
—Shelia, Flatiron District

Take stock of any big changes in your life that may have helped cause this shift in your libido. Did you start taking a new medication? Did you experience trauma? Have you been extra stressed? If so, that may be the root of what you’re experiencing, and you should tackle those problems head-on by practicing self-care or consulting your doctor. If not, keep in mind that it’s normal for sex drives to ebb and flow for long-term couples. But you have to actively work on your sex life, because it is crucial for any relationship’s survival. You can start with small things, like committing to a weekly date night to reconnect or scheduling sex (don’t knock it till you try it). And if all else fails, see a sex therapist before this issue consumes your relationship.

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Read previous weeks' sex columns

Let us sex-plain

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

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By: Jillian Anthony