I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!
I recently went out with a guy who was a really good kisser but was absolutely abysmal at everything else. How can this be? Is there no correlation between being good at making out and all the other stuff?
—Danielle, Harlem
I think being “good” at sex is a really subjective thing—one person could think you’re the best they’ve ever had, while someone else might find you lackluster. That’s because everyone is built differently, and we all like to be touched, flicked and licked in specific ways. The very best way to be good in bed is to ask your partner what they like and then listen to them. So, tell this guy exactly what you want! If he still doesn’t improve after a few tries, then he may be a lost cause, but it’s on each of us to speak up if someone isn’t giving us what we want. Nobody’s a mind reader, and remember that faking an orgasm doesn’t ultimately benefit anyone (especially his future partners).
Let’s say you get caught having sex in public. What do you do???
—Lloyd, Kensington, Brooklyn
The thrill of hooking up in public is the chance of being caught, and if you do it enough, that will likely happen eventually. I think if you’ve already been found out, it’s the bystander’s reaction that should determine your next move. Did they gasp and immediately turn to walk in the other direction? They’re gone, so thrust onward! Are they now watching you intently? Keep going if you’re into that, or disentangle yourselves and get the hell out of there. Is it a cop? Congratulations, you’re going to jail and/or getting slapped with a heavy fine. It’s a small price to pay to spice up your sex life (maybe).
I’m interested in a girl who very recently broke up with her boyfriend. We’re hitting it off as friends, but I don’t want to be a rebound guy. Should I work on the friendship first and try to make a move later?
—Mike, Astoria
If you’d be working on the friendship for the sole endgame of sleeping with this girl, then no, don’t get to know her better. But if you genuinely want to date her and you’re more worried about protecting yourself from getting hurt, then here’s what I would do: It’s best to make your intentions known upfront so everyone’s on the same page. She may not be ready to date anyone new yet, and I wouldn’t want you to get burned in the process of getting closer to someone who’s unable to give you what you want. You can let her know you understand she’s coming off a breakup and you’re willing to be patient and take things slowly, but her reaction to your feelings should tell you what you need to know. Honesty is the best policy.
