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  1. Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Russian and Turkish Baths: Beth Levendis
    Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Russian and Turkish Baths: Beth Levendis

    1. Russian & Turkish Baths

    Because who doesn't want to take all their clothes off in a steamy bathhouse and have their naked body beaten with a bunch of twigs?

  2. Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Beretta/Sims/Rex/REX USA / Royal Bangledash: Courtesy Royal Bangledash
    Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Beretta/Sims/Rex/REX USA / Royal Bangledash: Courtesy Royal Bangledash

    2. Royal Bangladesh Indian restaurant

    Duchess Kate apparently makes a tasty sausage-and-mash dinner, but we're willing to bet that like most Brits, these two are into curry. So we're sending them to Royal Bangladesh, for a primo Indian restaurant experience. Hanging chili lights, people!

  3. Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Bodega: Courtesy Creative Commons/Flickr/Shawn Hoke
    Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Bodega: Courtesy Creative Commons/Flickr/Shawn Hoke

    3. Your friendly neighborhood bodega

    If you have not set foot in a bodega and purchased a Kozy Shack rice pudding, then you have not been to New York. Period.

  4. Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Boobie Trap: Paul Wagtouicz
    Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Boobie Trap: Paul Wagtouicz

    4. Boobie Trap in Bushwick

    New York's first "breastaurant" features boobs on the walls and kitsch galore. Given that Kate's and Wills's nicknames for each other are "Babykins" and "Big Willie," we bet they'll be into it.

  5. Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Brooklyn Night Bazaar Giga Shane
    Photograph: Kate/Prince William: Tim Rooke/Rex/REX USA / Brooklyn Night Bazaar Giga Shane

    5. Brooklyn Night Bazaar

    Sod going to Barclays to see the Nets (sod is British for "eff"). The Brooklyn Night Bazaar is a no-brainer for Kate and Wills: cool clothes, late-night booze and awesome bands.

  6. Photograph: Beretta/Sims/Rex/REX USA
    Photograph: Beretta/Sims/Rex/REX USA

    6. Posing with the Naked Cowboy

    No one likes it, and everybody's done it. Sorry chaps, but this is an NYC bucket-list essential, and you're not allowed to get your passport stamped without cozying up to the Naked Cowboy.

  7. Photograph: Virginia Rollison
    Photograph: Virginia Rollison

    7. Dyker Heights Christmas lights and cannoli tour

    Yes, we know the Brits put on elaborate Christmas-light suburban spectaculars, too, but do they get to chomp cannoli and and drink hot cocoa at a pizzeria in England? They do not.

  8. Photograph: Beretta/Sims/Rex/REX USA
    Photograph: Beretta/Sims/Rex/REX USA

    8. Riding the subway

    Look, we're not saying they have to do the No Pants Subway Ride or anything, but the Duke and Duchess have got to keep it real and take the train at least once. And because we care, here are 20 things a good NYC subway commuter should know.

  9. 9. Sleep No More

    The royals can get freaky incognito at Sleep No More, the jewel in the crown of immersive, weirdo mask-wearing theater.

  10. Photograph: Beth Levendis
    Photograph: Beth Levendis

    10. Doing karaoke

    Karaoke dive bar Planet Rose can satisfy the Kate and Wills's nightlife needs: Cue up "I Like the Way You Move" by Bodyrockers (a favorite tune, we hear), knock back a Jack Daniels (her tipple of choice), and round off the trip with a tonsil tournament like no other. (And for the rest of the world: the 50 best karaoke songs ever).

10 essential spots for Kate and William to visit in NYC

Bodegas, bathhouses and boobs—we've got the royal visit mapped out perfectly

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Yes, it's true: The royals have landed in NYC. The future king of England and his wife are here in the States for the next couple days, and their official schedule includes meetings with President Obama and Chirlane McCray (Mayor Bill de Blasio's wife). Wills and Kate are celebrated as the coolest royals the U.K. has ever had (hardly tough competition, but still), and in keeping with this, the couple's trip includes a trip to Brooklyn for a Nets game (gasp!). But we'd like to see them really dig their teeth into Gotham—like a massive, gold-plated pastrami sandwich—and check out New York's real treasures. Show us a real New Yorker who isn't devoted to the Russian & Turkish Baths, or Sleep No More, or the Boobie Trap, and we'll eat our archaic monarchical hat. So with an NYC fanfare (that's a chorus of car horn honks), let the royal tour commence!
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