31 things that will definitely happen to you when moving to New York

1

You will scream at a cabdriver through that unbreakable plastic partition when he cuts off an entire intersection and nearly sideswipes a semi.

2

You will be making out with someone who seems like they’re perfect for you, who then turns out to live at least an hour's subway ride away.

3

You will have a small heart attack the first time you see how much groceries cost in Manhattan.

4

You will very quickly become irritated by tourists having very loud—and very incorrect—discussions about the best route to their destination.

5

You will pretend that all your frightening neighbors are just normal, nonscary people whenever your parents come to visit.

6

You will have a close encounter with a rat, mouse or cockroach. Probably all three.

7

You will stop caring what other people think of you.

8

You will want to murder people who somehow landed a sweet-ass apartment for way less than you pay for your dingy shoebox.

9

You will want to eat EVERYTHING.

10

You will get a lot of rejections when you're looking for a job. Or date. Or apartment. Or anything.

11

You will sometimes walk into THAT subway car.

12

You will find ways to completely justify living like a total slob.

13

You will devise a secret signal telling your friend to rescue you every time a psychopath hits on you in a bar.

14

You will see things on the subway that you will not be able to unsee.

15

You will learn to dread the winter weather forecast.

16

You will find your going-out options completely overwhelming at first.

17

You will learn to unpack your entire apartment in under 20 minutes.

18

You will very quickly stop being delighted when a breakdancing crew performs an impromptu show in your subway car.

19

You will have very little time for strangers.

20

You will develop a fascination with staring into the windows of apartments across the street.

21

You will develop a finely attuned bullshit detector.

22

You will have nothing but cultured, erudite conversations with your roommates.

23

You will find the perfect apartment, within your price range, in a nice neighborhood. And then wonder what the hell the catch is.

24

You will develop an aversion to going anywhere more than three stops away from your apartment on weekends.

25

You will never get used to the heat and humidity in the summer.

26

You will have a drip from an air conditioner land right in your mouth.

27

You will not always enjoy the company of your roommates.

28

You will learn that normal driving rules do not apply.

29

You will eventually stop finding every new trend to be really interesting and unique.

30

You will occasionally want to just run away.

31

But you will still insist to everyone else that New York is the greatest place on Earth and you will never, ever leave.