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Five species you can find in elevators (part two)

Written by
Joyce Koh

1. The Weight Watcher
When there’s plenty of space and those in the elevators are making encouraging noises and gestures for you to get in, please do. Don’t waffle around trying to remember the last time you stood on the bathroom scale. Just get in. Weight Watchers usually step in just as the elevator doors begin to slide shut. Sensors then grudgingly register their presence and the doors will painfully slide open again, wasting precious seconds of our lives and prolonging our suffering. The combined inward sighs are enough to sink a ship.

2. The Slug
The last we heard, taking the stairs is good for your health. Slugs might look young, fit and healthy, but they’ll use the elevator to travel only one floor down – during rush hour. Don’t mistake our calm expressions for acceptance; we are secretly suppressing our urges to punch you in the face. The mezzanine floor is about 30 steps away. Spare us the misery and take the stairs please.

3. The Coffee Evangelist
You’ll meet at least one of these every morning. The Coffee Evangelist always has a pristine paper cup of espresso in one hand and an iPhone in the other, nonchalantly wafting the heavenly scent of coffee around the elevator. As fellow caffeine-deprived elevator mates begin breathing deeply all at once, causing oxygen shortage, it’s enough to send us running for the nearest Starbucks.

4. The Optimist
Every elevator has a weight limit, in case you haven’t noticed. Optimists hop in with a hopeful smile for the best. The elevator is already stuffed to the gills and people are stepping on each other’s feet. That means there’s no space left. But the Optimist will not be dissuaded. The Optimist believes in getting one’s foot in the door. You know what? That’s one foot in the grave.

5. The Newspaperman
We’re all champions of print, we assure you. There’s nothing like turning the crisp pages of the morning paper, devouring the news of the day, and feeling like you’ve played your part as a responsible member of society. But newspapers are made to be read leisurely at your desk with a gently steaming cup of coffee by your side. The Newspaperman insists on bringing his broadsheet into elevators during rush hour, reading it with style and flair, brushing fellow elevator mates with it, and spreading eau de ink everywhere. No thank you.

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