1. The Triple Shot
A close member of the raccoon family, the Triple Shot sports distinctive dark and puffy under eye facial markings, bloodshot eyes and small shaky paws (probably caused by overdosing on caffeine). With deadlines looming, it obsessively stakes plug-point territory with multiple cups of espressos, laptops and stacks of books. Find it at round-the-clock coffee establishments.
2. The Venti
A subspecies of the Triple Shot includes the Venti, a freelancing creature that buys one giant cup of coffee and proceeds to hog a table for the rest of the day. Guide them towards the nearest co-working establishments.
3. The Flat White
Like mosquitoes, the Flat White usually turns up around sunrise or sunset (for the best lighting). It buzzes around styling gorgeous shots of its café meals; perfectly pulled steamed milk in espresso is a must, as are artistically crumbed slices of cake, croissants and photogenic breakfast platters. Behavioural tics include perching on chairs and rearranging café furniture. Certain subspecies may start taking multiple selfies or potential album cover shots.
4. The Board Gamer
Instead of going to actual board game cafés, the Board Gamer prefers to terrorise other café-goers by congregating wherever there are tables large enough to accommodate their games. A group of six to eight players may buy one single cup of coffee, bring their own board games (or card games), and spend the afternoon going on a rampage over ‘Settlers of Catan’ or whatever it is. Prone to loud outbursts of anger and occasional table flipping.
5. The Tall Order
You have ten minutes before you’re penalised for being late to the office (again), but you really, really need that cup of coffee to get through the day. This is when the Tall Order appears in the queue (as always, ahead of you), making a ton of complicated orders for 20 colleagues for their morning meeting. Maybe you guys can consider catering services next time?
6. The Frappé
The Frappé is usually a youngling who’s committed to consuming as much sugar as possible through its chocolate chips-caramel-whipped-cream- cake-crumbs-green teasweetener- laden-milkshake that definitely doesn’t contain an ounce of coffee. Like moths to a flame, this species is easily baited with Insta-worthy dishes.
7. The Pour Over
The Pour Over is a coffee enthusiast through and through. We have nothing against this species, really, but it’s painful when one is desperate for caffeine but stuck behind a Pour Over that’s enquiring about roasting notes, extraction rates, flavour profiles and water compositions. We’re sure the beans had happy and fulfilling childhoods as well. Now go away and sign up for a coffee workshop please.
8. The Kopi-O
The Kopi-O wants to have its cake and eat it too. It enjoys the luxuries of cafés; curling up on the comfortable couches, lapping away at the complimentary fruit-infused water, using the free WiFi, and generally making itself at home. However, this species is also usually found caterwauling about the exorbitant café prices and comparing it to kopitiam prices. Maybe they should hang out at kopitiams more often then.
PS, if you know of any other species, tell us in the comments.