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People of KL: The seven species of cinema-goers

Written by
Joyce Koh

1. The Hermione
The Hermione has either spent months anticipating the movie or has used a quick hour to read up on it just so it can squawk the plot or toss out bits of distracting trivia at completely unnecessary moments. If you’re allergic to spoilers, we suggest that you sit far away from them. We don’t want to know anything in advance, thank you.

2. The Snorlax
The Snorlax is a species whose body automatically enters hibernation mode whenever they’re in the proximity of plush chairs and in a dark room. Desperately in need of a good night’s sleep, the Snorlax heads right into the cinema, lowers itself onto its seat, and then promptly falls asleep (regardless of what’s going on onscreen). Our sympathies if you’re in the general vicinity of one that snores.

3. The White Rabbit
Suffering from a chronic case of bad timekeeping, the White Rabbit is usually identified by its hunched form shuffling along cinema seats, uttering mortified apologies for blocking the screen and injuring the paws of fellow cinema-goers. It’s our understanding that they prefer to miss the first half of the movie so as to spend the rest of the time figuring out what’s going on.

4. The Godzilla
The Godzilla gets hungry easily. In preparation, they store food for the movie using extra large bags. Spot them by their oversized bags which serve the important purpose of sneaking food into the cinema. We have spotted some munching on whole large pizzas, sushi platters and even chicken rice during the movie.

5. The Dumb & Dumber
The Dumb & Dumber is a breed that’s admirable for its willingness to continue going to the movies even though it’s pretty much unable to follow what’s going on. If you see one scratching its head, looking left and right for help and frowning in confusion, you’ve found yourself a Dumber. They’re mainly noted for their repetitive bleats of ‘What happened?’.

6. The Social Network
Despite the cinema’s best attempts at creative advertisements (we quite like the KFC one) about turning off your phone, The Social Network’s natural tendency is to caress their gadgets at every possible moment. Spot them by their vacant eyes and distractingly glowing faces.

7. The Ola Bola
When you sense multiple tremors while sitting in your cinema seat, fear not for you’ve found yourself an Ola Bola. A distant cousin of giraffes, the fidgety long-limbed mammal is unable to resist giving other cinema-goers a quick back massage. Side-eyes and glares have proven useless when dealing with these pests.

If you know of any other species, tell us in the comments below.

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