1. The Overachiever
Raising the bar during Valentine’s Day (and every other day of the year, really) is the Overachiever, a species noted for its unusual and complex displays of courtship behaviour. From gifts and gestures such as a thousand banknote origami hearts in a mason jar to filling the room with helium balloons and bushes of roses, the Overachiever has tried them all. If your partner used to date one of them, good luck.
2. The Peacock
The Peacock is a fine example of evolution in this age of technology. Making a fine show of this special day on social media, this species makes sure you know everything: pictures of supremely detailed #throwback posts, giant bouquets at the office, constant selfies (and lots of #ootd) at the restaurant, images of bank-breaking presents, and more #couplegoals than you need will fill your feed. Give them the likes they want and hope they’ll strut far away from your life.
3. The Unprepared
Usually found muttering to itself, groaning at random intervals and pacing nervously at the card aisles at Hallmark and MPH, the Unprepared has forgotten that it’s one of the most important celebrations of the year and is now trying to salvage the situation with cheesy cards, stuffed toys and a box of chocolates.
4. The Guy Who Asks All The Girls Out
The Guy Who Asks All The Girls Out fully trusts in the power of maximising his odds. Short of gyrating with a puffed up chest at every available potential mate that passes his way, this species tries everything he can to secure a date by going through his contacts list and praying hard that no one in his social circle will find out that he’s asking them out simultaneously.
5. The Great Expectations
The Great Expectations already has her Valentine’s Day plumage preened before Christmas. Not only that, she’s also expecting a unicorn-drawn carriage, magical pyrotechnic displays, and to top it all off, a wedding ring. If you’re the significant other of this particular species and have not managed to procure all of the above (see: the Unprepared), we suggest you bring a box of tissues instead.
6. The Hater
A staunch unbeliever in the occasion, the Hater finds meaning in life by denouncing the celebration. This solitary species is usually found giving overly emotional lectures (to anyone who would listen) on the commercialism of this particular day. Behaviourists recommend extra caution when it comes to the Hater as it’s prone to bouts of ice cream overdosing.