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The five species of KL walkers

Written by
Joyce Koh
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1. The Wanderer
Ah, the carefree Wanderer ambles along in slow motion, both the young and the old, perpetually stuck in a state of relaxation. It enjoys dawdling wherever it goes, meandering from left to right (and right to left), randomly admiring anything that catches its attention – ‘Look at that wee bird making a nest’; ‘Look! A new nasi lemak stall.’ Good luck trying to overtake them.

2. The Speedwalker
This cyborg is one efficient species that’s getting ahead in life. Stalking along at impressive speeds (thanks to its long, long legs), the Speedwalker is perpetually in a rush to get to a meeting (or it just really wants to get home and curl up with the cat). It makes up for lost time by ruthlessly overtaking everyone else, half-running and emitting huffy ‘excuse me’s. Just get out of their way and observe at a safe distance.

3. The Turtle
The epitome of evolution is this curious species with a thin sheet of glass and aluminium attached to its front flippers. Heads bowed, the Turtle communicates with its contemporaries (or captures fictional pocket monsters) by swiping frantically away on its phone. Although Turtles spend large amounts of time on the phone, all of them have to come up for air occasionally to refill their lungs. According to scientists, this head-bowing behaviour has made them especially vulnerable to predators. 

When it reaches a certain level, the Turtle may evolve into the Ketchum, an incredibly fit specimen that travels great distances to capture fictional pocket monsters. While you can see them everywhere, a surefire way to spot them in action would be to hang around Pokéstops (tip: KLCC has plenty of them) or place a Lure. 

4. The Sudden Standstill
Here we are, walking merrily along heading to our next destination, when the Sudden Standstill has to ruin everything by coming to an abrupt halt (especially at junctions or entrances), resulting in massive pedestrian pile-ups. The reason for this perplexing behaviour is yet to be ascertained. One popular theory is that it may be trying to get its bearings to make sure it’s on the right migratory route. Whatever it is, this is one highly unpopular species among Speedwalkers.

5. The Squad
Having watched ‘Mean Girls’ (and most other Hollywood productions) one too many times, where the protagonist walks in a row with its posse down the hallway (or away from an ear-shattering explosion) while the crowd automatically parts to let them pass, the Squad insists on walking in a row, shoulder to shoulder, with its herd. This species is noted for its tendency to take up entire sidewalks. A subspecies includes the Till Death Do Us Part, an inseparable couple who has to part temporarily to let you walk between them awkwardly.

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