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The six species of (bad) drivers in KL

Written by
Joyce Koh

1. The No Sense of Directioner
They are constantly preoccupied. Be it distractedly feeding its brood, texting or trying to figure out which exit to take, this is one of the most unbelievable species we’ve seen so far. Ways to spot them: the car wobbles from left to right, strays into your lane, enters the wrong toll booth and commonly slows to a complete halt right in the middle of the road (worse still, at a fork) while it rights its orientation. Give them a healthy dose of honks.

2. Signal Ignorina, Signal Malefunction and Dude of Hazard
Picture this. Coasting along the highway, you come to a car you need to overtake. Like any good driver, you flick on the indicator to notify the driver in the adjacent lane. Upon seeing the merest blink of your signal lights, the Signal Ignorina instantly stomps his hoof on the gas pedal, making sure you are unable to complete your task. A mutation of this is the vicious Signal Malefunction, who probably refuses to use the indicator as their hunting strategy. This genus also includes the Dude of Hazard who probably didn’t pay attention during driving lessons and believes the myth that one should turn on the hazard lights in the rain. Retake your undang, please.

3. L is for Lembu
We have all forgotten how it feels like to be the L is for Lembu, which is precisely why we like to rag on them so much. Bright L stickers and adorable pint-sized Kancil aside, it’s quite easy to spot this particular species. Like Moses, cars part like the Red Sea whenever the L driver appears. Stop sweating all over the steering wheel, kids; you’ll be road raging like the rest of us soon enough.

4. The Ambulance
Disclaimer: The Ambulance is not an ambulance. This particular ambulance drives like a maniac, is always in a rush, and its precious Goodyear tyres are only allowed to come into contact with the emergency lanes on highways. Judging by the way it drives, you might think he or she is going into labour right there in their vehicle, but then again, we have actual ambulances for that, don’t we?

5. Ralliarti
The Ralliarti is that one car who tailgates you (headlights flashing, the whole do) just so they can overtake you that few inches before they are forced to stop at the traffic lights. Thankfully, scientists have successfully managed to identify a few key markings: large sputtering exhaust pipes, lots of modifications (usually it’s a Proton Wira), sometimes embarrassingly loud music, and the finishing touch – Ralliart stickers.

6. Fairy Godmother
On the curb, double parking, triple parking, taking up two parking lots… the Fairy Godmother has the magical powers to park anywhere they wish. We know parking is hard to come by in this town, but this Fairy Godmother (born without a sense of empathy) just couldn’t quite be bothered to care about the poor frustrated soul that has to lean on the horn. For hours. While the Fairy Godmother leisurely has chicken rice at the hawker centre. Our only backup plan: plaster passive aggressive notes on their windscreens.

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