The six species of foodies in KL

1. The Char Kuay Teow
Keeping it real, the Char Kuay Teow travels great distances to forage for the best street food. This omnivore doesn’t mind getting down and dirty with roadside stalls. The grittier it is, the more the Char Kuay Teow likes it. This highly territorial species has a select pack of makan friends with whom new street eats are fervently shared – but god forbid the day the location of their super secret chapatti joint is leaked.

2. The McNugget
The McNugget wants its food fried, and it wants it fast. Your go-to for all things artery-busting, this impatient creature has an authoritative opinion on which fast food restaurant serves the best blended soft serves, an encyclopaedic knowledge of fries, and a scarily efficient metabolism system that makes it seemingly immune to the vagaries of fast food. The McNugget is also why some fine-dining restaurants still have fries and burgers on the menu.

3. The Escargot
After spending a gap year someplace far away from the sticks of KL, the well-travelled Escargot always has a foodie experience that’s better than the one you’re currently having. Its rallying cry: ‘You haven’t had proper (insert name of dish) until you’ve had the one that I’ve had when I was in (insert name of country)’. Placate them with vaguely interested nods and expressions of admiration.

4. The Quinoa Power Bowl
The fragile Quinoa Power Bowl is plagued by a range of allergies (imaginary or otherwise). It feeds primarily on personalised gluten-free nectar from clean-eating establishments, while some derive nourishment from kale, avocado, overnight oats, chia seeds, Greek yoghurt and detox juice cleanses. While the Quinoa’s good at counting calories, we just wish that it’s equally concerned with counting its carbon footprint.

5. The Kampung Koh
The Kampung Koh – having evolved resistance to immense spiciness in its taste glands – has long fascinated zoologists. Although it can survive on a diet of bland food, the Kampung Koh will, before long, yearn for some heat, be it garlic chilli sauce, chopped cili padi and garlic with soy sauce or just copious amounts of sambal. Fun fact: some have evolved pouches in which they carry bottles of chilli sauce.

6. The Rainbow Bagel
Modern research has discovered the Rainbow Bagel, a small, fluffy creature that moves around by using their powerful hind legs to propel itself on bandwagons and such. Depending on whatever’s trending at the moment, it has a voracious appetite for large, unlimited amounts of freakshakes and multi-coloured dishes. It also has a particular affinity with anything that has to do with salted egg yolk.