It’s the most magical season of all. You get to enjoy pumpkin-spiced everything, the beautiful lights on Oxford Street, the… oh wait, you’re a Christmas retail temp. Here’s what this festive season is really like.
Most of December is spent in a zombie-like haze of tiredness.
Don’t bother making plans this month, your only goal is to stay awake until the 25th.
People are mean.
Those who shop in jumpers with Christmas puddings on them aren’t always as jolly as you’d think. They can, in fact, be very angry, un-jolly people. Take note.
Everyone gets worked up over the tiniest thing.
'This jumper is taupe, I specifically asked for fawn. You’ve ruined my Christmas.'
The plastic bag charge seems completely pointless.
Every item is basically covered in 12 layers of red and green cardboard, with snowflake confetti inside. Merry Christmas, environment.
People turn into savages.
They forget how to put things back where they found them, and you begin to learn how to fold, and refold and refold clothing one-handed with your eyes closed.
You’ll run out of stock of a popular item at the beginning of December and wish you were dead.
This is a BIG deal. There will be meetings. Sometimes the manager cries. Customers just don’t forgive this kind of betrayal.
The fitting rooms are the definition of a nightmare before Christmas.
They just keep coming. And no one leaves. And the mountain of unwanted clothing just keeps piling up. If all else fails, choose a changing room to hide in and wait it out until Christmas is over.
You got to experience first-hand the ridiculousness that is Black Friday.
The entire British population forgot that they’re not American for a day, and would rather scramble over your face than miss a bargain.
On the plus side, you’ll get fit.
Cancel that gym membership until the end of January, and get ready for the latest fitness craze: stock-room sprinting.
You’ll start to recite the festive returns policy spiel in your sleep.
'Basically if you wait until February 1 to return it, you’ll ruin my life.'
Christmas music WILL drive you insane.
You’ll start to question just how greedy Mariah Carey actually is. You may even begin to daydream about murdering Frosty the Snowman. Your only salvation will be The Pogues but even they will begin to sound warped and menacing.
You’ll think it’s all over.
Oh, how cute. It’s December 26 and you think you can start to relax. Did you forget about a little thing called the January sales?