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28 signs you're a true Londoner

Written by
Alexi Duggins

#1 You’re automatically suspicious of anyone who can afford to own a house.

#2 You pass up amazing gigs by the world’s biggest artists because you can’t be bothered to leave the house (and they’ll probably be back next year, right?).

#3 You don’t tut at people walking slowly on the pavement, you just walk down the edge of the road instead.

#4 You don’t get 'soot nose' anymore. 

#5 You feel more at home in Bogota than Bognor.

#6 You direct people using buildings that no longer exist as landmarks. ‘Oh it’s straight past the Swiss Centre, left at the end and then right at Astoria. You’re welcome!’


#7 The idea of walking through Piccadilly Circus feels slightly less preferable than walking through Mordor. 

#8 You know where to get on the train so that when it arrives at your station you’re handily placed right in front of the exit. 

#9 Being charged £7.95 for a fish-finger sandwich in a chain pub doesn’t strike you as borderline criminal.

#10 Your reaction to a rodent infestation is 'God, is it autumn already?'. 

#11 Haggling down your annual rent increase from 10 percent to 9 percent feels like a MASSIVE victory.

#12 You can only understand foreign cities by comparing their neighbourhoods to different areas of London. ‘So it’s like the Dalston of Barcelona?’

#13 You always know where the nearest Sam Smiths pub is.

#14 You enjoy hitting people with your elbows who try to get onto the tube before you’ve got off.

#15 You find yourself saying ‘stand further back!’ when someone can’t get through the tube barriers.


#16 You don’t even look up from your game of CandyCrush when a woman carrying a tiny dog in a handbag elbows you on the escalator. 

#17 Your kitchen contains two different types of sriracha (but no actual food).

#18 You are unfazed by the sound of fox sex. 

#19 You become FURIOUS when you get an escalator in another city and everyone stands on both sides.

#20 You actually know how to get into the Barbican Centre.

#21 You can remember the days when you had a garden. Just about.

#22 You don’t feel at all embarrassed barking ‘move down inside the carriage please’.

#23 You know which ‘No entry’ signs in tube stations to ignore in order to enjoy a cheeky short cut to the platform.

#24 No price for a pint is capable of making you blink. 

#25 The sight of a pancaked pigeon in the road triggers no reaction in you whatsoever - like a psychopath observing a murder scene.   

#26 Your nearest library is a telephone box, a bookcase at a tube station or a shelf in the reception of your building.

#27 Your postcode indicates an ordinal direction and not the initials of the nearest large town or city. 

#28 You kill another Londoner in fair and open combat and take his precious Londoner amulet as your own. (We think that's how it works.)

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