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35 signs you don't need that New Year's resolution

Lottie Coltman

Okay, so it's January; you're a bit broke and a lot fat. The temptation may be to dust off the juicer, renew the gym membership and open a savings account. But not so fast. We're here to tell you that you're perfect just the way you are. Well, not quite, but  if you can tick off more than, let’s say, three items on this list, then you've pretty much got your shit together.

1. You still have your job after your work Christmas party.

2. You are not, and have never been, on first name terms with any of the staff at your local Dixy Chicken.

3. You take lunch to work instead of spending 40 quid a week on a rotation of Pret, Itsu and M&S sandwiches.

4. You never leave your washing in the machine long enough for it to smell like the armpit of a particularly offensive commuter, meaning you have to start the whole process over again.

5. You have successfully been for 'one pint'. (Ha! Nobody has ever done this).

6. You actively seek out credible news sources rather than relying on more intelligent friends to recap for you at the pub.

7. You don't regularly end a night at The Dolphin and/or Infernos.


A photo posted by Romeo Monty (@lph2016) on

8. You've never played 'laptop roulette' (going on an impromptu mid-week night out causing you to almost leave your work laptop in a cloakroom in Clapham).

9. You offer your seat on the tube to pregnant women/the elderly/children and not just hot people you're hoping to sleep with.

10. Your gym membership can be considered more than a monthly ‘fat lazy failure’ tax.

11. You've never damaged your Uber rating by throwing up in a cab.

12. You've never run out of people on Tinder and had to extend your radius to include Zone 9.

13. You do an actual weekly food shop rather than paying over the odds for a mulchy stir-fry from Tesco Express every evening.

14. You’ve never had to run to Primark to buy a work-appropriate outfit the day after an impromptu 'sleepover'.


A photo posted by Sylwia Dziadkowiec (@sysiu) on

15. You haven’t 'accidentally' slept with any of the following: friends/housemates/colleagues/friend’s partners/the dog-sitter. No matter how hot.

16. You would never openly admit to being a Belieber (even if ‘Sorry’ was a bit of a banger).

17. You change your bedding regularly and not just because there is a chance you might get laid that night.

18. You have finally got around to replacing your teenage posters with actual framed art (bonus points if it's original and not just an Ikea print).

19. You make the effort to visit friends that live the wrong side of the river.

20. You read an actual book on the tube (rather than desperately trying to load articles from Twitter using intermittent station wi-fi).

21. You don't own a hoverboard or a micro scooter.


A photo posted by imogen (@imogenfayej) on

22. You don't require a Facebook notification to remember the birthday of your nearest and dearest.

23. You have finished any of the following: a to-do list, crossword or game of Monopoly (without throwing a tantrum, we might add).

24. You regularly remember to take your bag for life to the supermarket, even if it is simply because you are too stingy to pay the 5p charge.

25. You realise that a tube taking more than two minutes to arrive is, in fact, not a reason to have a break-down or swear at tourists.

26. You could, if needed, get around without the help of CityMapper.

27. You don't see 'going up the Shard' as a euphemism.

28. Or giggle every time someone says 'Cockfosters'.


A photo posted by @cru_ella_devil on

29. You don’t fancy and shamelessly flirt with someone of questionable looks in your office just because they are the 'best of a bad lot'.

30. You can bleed a radiator.

31. You've never put on a pair of trousers and had a pair of dirty pants fall out of the bottom.

32. You've not said yes to someone on a dating app just because they have a cute dog (or other small lovable fluffy creature), feigning interest until it is appropriate to bring up said pet.

33. You take the time to shovel down a Tesco meal deal before heading to the pub after work on a Friday.

34. You drink Lucozade for the actual advertised athletic benefits and not just because you have a mid-week hangover.


A photo posted by @lottiekins_ on

And finally...

35. You have managed to get yourself on the London property ladder. In which case the above list is redundant because you have basically achieved the impossible. 

On that note, here are ten reasons to sack off the diet this January

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