Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, Foster’s Award-winning Adam Riches.
Dear Adam: 'How can I tell the people I work with that I don't want to go out drinking with them?' Sally, Barking
Dear Sally: 'Simple: skywriting. Everybody loves it and nobody will expect it. Aside from the cost of hiring a plane, finding a pilot, choosing a font and sorting out what colour smoke you want, it’s a fun, environmentally un-sound jaunt that will gently cushion the harsh social judgement you are quite clearly making. But make sure you choose a day when there’s a brilliant bright blue sky and you have a pilot who can do joined-up writing.'
Dear Adam: 'My confidence has gone at five-a-side. How can I get my swagger (and goals) back?' Henry, Bethnal Green
Dear Henry: 'Play against kids. Really young ones that can barely stand, let alone send over a sweet little in-swinger that you need next to no power on to send arrowing into the top corner. Kids are universally regarded as being crap at everything, especially when put up against an adult of superior size, intellect and hair. I once saw a kid try to eat a steak. It couldn’t. It just looked at it, waiting for it to be cut up into smaller pieces as the au poivre sauce went cold. It was laughable. So play kids. Or Aston Villa.'
Dear Adam: 'One of my friends keeps copying me. Every bit of clothing I buy, she gets the same; every hair cut, she copies. How can I stop her being a mini-me?' Caroline, Kensal Rise
Dear Caroline: 'Kill her, then blame Steven Avery. I’m just kidding. (I’m not – it works.) Just relax, will you? There’s no such thing as ‘friends’. They’re all just enemies that have yet to happen. What you’re experiencing is the law of reflection, big time – you, stood in front of a mirror, seeing yourself and hating what you see. It’s perfectly normal, we all do it. A wise man once told me that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right before he cloned my debit card. So take it as a compliment. Then change your PIN.'
Dear Adam: 'Should I apply to be a contestant on "Take Me Out"? I need some excitement.' Geoff, Godalming
Dear Geoff: 'Yes, of course you should. Let the rock hit the bottom! You should then go on ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ then ‘Ex on the Beach’ then ‘First Dates’ and repeat and repeat until you live your entire life on television and I spend my entire life watching you. I’d also love to know what the ‘application process’ involves, as I once saw a guy rap a takeaway menu as his ‘special skill’. I still think that show would work best with 15 trained snipers all looking for love, all drawing a bead on each other.'
Adam Riches appears at Soho Theatre Mar 14-Apr 2. £10-£17.50.