Thought Dick van Dyke did the worst Cockney accent of all time? Or maybe you're one of the few people unlucky enough to witness Colin Farrell's effort in 'Cassandra's Dream'? Neither of them can hold a candle to 'The Local Stigmatic', a 56-minute 1990 adaptation of Heathcote Williams's play in which Al Pacino – just two years shy of his roaring, hoo-haaing prime in 'Scent of a Woman' – plays a Cockney wheeler-dealer.
Tipped off to this extraordinary artefact by film expert and occasional Time Out writer Ashley Clark, we sat open-mouthed through the film's opening monologue, unable to believe how wild, off-key and hilariously wrongheaded Pacino's accent is. Given that his character opens the film with a lengthy speech about dogs (racing dogs, to be exact), you'd think getting that simple, one-syllable word right would be top priority. Apparently not – Pacino stomps around, raging about creatures called 'daawwwrrrrrgs', occasionally slipping back into 'Godfather'-style Noo Yoik just to keep us on our toes.
Take a look for yourself. We guarantee this'll be the weirdest thing you see today.