Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, alt-cabaret queen of New York, Bridget Everett, tackles your problems head on.
Dear Bridget, I'm hungry all the time, and I'm worried that I'm grossing out my colleagues. How can I stuff my face discreetly? Gary, Bermondsey
Dear Gary, I can relate. I get snacky all the time. These three rules will keep you out of hot water: keep it bite-size, leave the stinky shit at home and make sure you have enough to share. Actually, these rules apply to both snacks and life.
Dear Bridget, My hands are sweaty and I'm embarrassed to shake people's hands. Can I get away with being a constantly gloved person or should I just share the moisture? Tom, New Cross
Dear Tom, Just share the moisture? I think you’ve answered your own question. Not just about handshakes but, as with the last problem, about life! You could do worse than to keep ‘just share the moisture’ as your mantra. If you’re really feeling self-conscious about your palms being sweaty, though, I’d recommend the fist bump. That’s how I greet people, usually followed by the line ‘Hey, cold and flu season is right around the corner.’ You’re really doing everyone a favour. Nobody’s passing along any germs, it’s quick and painless, and it’s a nice throwback to the ’80s. It’s win-win.
Dear Bridget, The boy I'm seeing is so into the Euros that he's ignoring me. How can I win him back away from the football? Maud, Camden
Dear Maud, I’d say leave him to his footy and use all that free time you’ve got to find yourself a new honey who doesn’t blow you off for a game! I’ll be in London for two weeks and will happily be your wingman at the pub of your choice. Maybe we can both find a honey. I hear the men in London are some of the best and I’d hate to leave town without making a new friend (or five).
Dear Bridget, I'm moving out of my flat and am shocked that my flatmate isn't more sad about me leaving. How can I make her weep over my imminent departure?
Dear Andrea, Put on ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ and right when it ends, tell her how much she’s meant to you. Then quickly leave the room. She’ll be a mess.
Bridgett Everett is at Soho Theatre on Jul 16-30. From £12.50.