Time Out London Comedy

Didn't make it north of the border for this year's Edinburgh Fringe? Well, some of the best comedy shows from the 2016 fest are heading to London, and you can see three hours of comedy for less than the price of a panini. Over three afternoons, comedy producers Turtle Canyon Comedy are hosting solo shows from Fringe favourites at London's best independent comedy club, Angel Comedy, to be filmed for a new online video service. Starting this Saturday (September 24), you can catch the likes of the painfully funny Sean McLoughlin (as seen on 'Russell Howard’s Stand Up Central'), '8 Out of 10 Cats' star Fern Brady, the uncompromisingly hilarious Lou Sanders (who's popped up on 'As Yet Untitled') and Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Newcomer nominee Ben Target, reviving his mad debut show, 'Discover Ben Target'. Tickets for three comics cost four quid, or each individual show’s £2, and they take place Saturday September 24, Sunday September 25 and October 8. Get tickets or check out London's best comedy clubs.

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, BBC Radio 6 Music host and stand-up, Shaun Keaveny, tackles your problems head on. Dear Shaun, I accidentally swiped right on my line manager on Tinder, and we matched. Now he's giving me creepy looks. How do I resolve the awkwardness and also keep my job? Jenny, Balham Dear Jenny, This is a tricky one. Dating apps are the devil, a sure sign of a society in moral freefall. Why not channel a little of my zealotry and pretend you are a devout Christian? Explain over a goblet of altar wine on your first date that there is no question of you ‘allowing access to your holy sanctum’ any time before your honeymoon. He’ll be off your back quicker than a suspect mole. Dear Shaun, The sound of foxes shagging outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night is driving me mad. What do I do? Close the window and sweat to death? Shout at them? Join in? Derek, Ruislip Dear Derek, Fox shunting is a huge problem in urban areas. The little crimson bastards get miles more action than us humans. I too have suffered at the hands (or paws) of filthy fornicating foxes. It got so bad that I took to sitting on my window ledge in full fox-hunt regalia, tooting a copper horn. That put them right off their stroke and they went and copulated in someone else’s bin shed. Dear Shaun, My boyfriend is from Lancashire. Can I still drink Yorkshire Tea? Amy, Nunhead Dear Amy, Funnily enough, my girlfriend is from Yorkshire. I, as a Lancastria

Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week: stand-up comedian and Dobby out of ‘Peep Show’, Isy Suttie, tackles your problems head on Dear Isy, I'm so worried about insect bites, terrorist attacks and whether off-the-shoulder is appropriate for work that I canít sleep. What should I do? Florence, Soho Dear Florence, Let’s combine the first and last ones: offer up your juicy old shoulders to as many insects as possible (Kew Gardens beckons), rendering them unshowable in the office due to pustular lumps and bumps. That said, the best way to avoid terrorist attacks is probably to stay in your house and not go to work, so don your off-the-shoulder garb, stick on ‘Game of Thrones’ and leave the insects to gobble Donald Trump types. Dear Isy, I'm worried that the guy I fancy isn't very bright. Should I be put off? Betty, Clerkenwell Dear Betty, What makes you worry that he isn’t very bright? I used to have a thing about ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, but I’ve had to relax that over the years. Make sure you’re not being too fussy. If he can’t tell the difference between, say, clouds and sheep, maybe he’s not worth pursuing. But if he can’t tell the difference between laughing and crying, he’s probably an undiscovered genius who will make millions. That or he’s a psycho. Either way it’ll be an interesting ride. Dear Isy, Now that the weather's nice I don't want to go into work. What's a good excuse? Brian, Stoke Newington The most plausible thing is to say you’ve lo

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, joker on the airwaves, Jake Yapp, tackles your problems head on. Dear Jake, My house has just become a Pokemon Poke-stop and now my front doorstep is littered with undesirables. How can I make it stop? Izzy, Balham Dear Izzy, Buy a metal dustbin and paint it red and white, with the words ‘SUPER POKE BALL’, and leave it outside your front door, wired up to the mains. The council will take away the bodies with the recycling, and you’ll be doing the world a favour. Gotta catch ’em all! Dear Jake, I want to get a cat but my flatmate wonít let me. What should I do? Neil, Islington Dear Neil, You haven’t told me what you want the cat for. Perhaps you’re not a responsible type and your flatmate is wise in not letting you have one. Replace the word ‘cat’ in your question with ‘flamethrower’ and you’ll see where I’m coming from. However, if you’d like a cat for the usual stroking business etc, I suggest rehoming. Alternatively, rehome your flatmate, but please remember to have them spayed or neutered first. Dear Jake, I don't realistically stand to have any financial security until my parents die and I inherit their riches. Is it acceptable for me to start trying to get specific numbers out of them, so I know how much dough I can expect? Matilda, Leyton Dear Matilda, Tsk. Shame on you. That is their business and no concern of yours. That said, er... How are you at accents? Put one on and phone them up on their landli

  Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week Iranian stand up and author, Shappi Khorsandi, tackles your problems head on. Dear Shappi, Brexit has killed my boner, what should I do to feel amorous again? Brad, Covent Garden Dear Brad, Imagine Boris Johnson laughing and skipping down a hill with daisies in his hair (have I over-shared?). I find that when rough political seas have dampened one’s ardour, lovemaking with someone who doesn’t trouble themselves with knowing anything is soothing. After the general election, I slept with someone who thought Dunkirk was in Scotland. It was like balm to my troubled soul. Basically, steer clear of the subject and find someone chilled. Dear Shappi, My housemate won't stop trying to have in-depth conversations with me about her job interviews and indeterminable love life first thing in the morning as I'm running round the house in my pants trying to get dressed, make tea and concentrate on Charlie and Naga on BBC Breakfast. What should I do to stop this madness, so I can - at least once this year - get to work on time? Jonny, Hackney Wick Dear Jonny, Put porn on REALLY LOUDLY all night: weird stuff where people shout, ‘We’re gonna need ANOTHER RUBBER CHICKEN!’ Make it so awkward that she won’t leave her room till you’ve gone out. Mind you, if she’s into all that stuff, you may be opening a can of worms. And if she’s into that, you move out. Immediately. Dear Shappi, My colleague always accepts cups of tea, but neve

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, the brilliantly wry stand-up and director, Liam Williams. Dear Liam, I am finding 2016 very depressing. How do you suggest I go about cheering myself up? Ash, Holborn Dear Ash, For me, solace is found in the fact that as the good in life becomes rarer it also become more dear. Things that I previously took for granted as commonplace are now charged with a bittersweet and succouring power: cups of tea, smiles from strangers, Gary Lineker. Cherish it all. Dear Liam, My office crush has moved desks and now sits opposite me. How can I get any work done now? Elizabeth, Denmark Hill Dear Elizabeth, Don’t fight your desire. Insane though love is, the one use it still has is in its power to remind us that work, especially office work, is an unnecessary capitalist construct designed to prevent people from ever finding higher human purpose. And if you get fired? Well, as Oscar Wilde said, ‘Who, being loved, is poor?’ Dear Liam, All of my friends have therapists and I feel left out. Should I get one too? Miriam, Streatham Hill Dear Miriam, Are you rich? If so, obviously. If not, and you feel genuinely concerned about your mental wellbeing, contact your local mental health service. There are some very good ones. If, on reflection, you think you can manage to keep on keeping on, I recommend meditation. Just don’t, whatever you do, get into those adult colouring books. Dear Liam, I am listening to so many podcasts that Iím

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week Bethnal Green’s very own Gina Yashere tackles your problems head on. Dear Gina, The rubbish weather is making me sad but I can't afford a holiday. How can I cheer myself up? Helen, Harrow Dear Helen, There are other ways to travel: you could always walk and swim to the South of France. It’s far, but by the time you get there, your beach body will be onpoint! Or, if you aren’t the athletic type, you could stow away in the landing gear of a plane. I hear it’s no more uncomfortable than a budget airline flight. Yes, you may suffer some of the coldest hours of your life and possibly die, but hey, you may end up in the Caribbean. Or Russia. So choose wisely. Dear Gina, Someone at work has been nicking my M&S falafel. Is a companywide email about it too passive aggressive? It has to stop. Fred, Holloway Road Dear Fred, Of course it has to stop! Among murderers, drug dealers and terrorists, workplace food thieves are the worst, and should have the full extent of your anger thrust upon them! An email IS a little aggressive. You need to forget the passive and go undercover black ops (I don’t know what that is, but it sounds soldiery… soldieresque… whatever). I would go with the embedded camera-in-falafel technique, it’s win-win. You’ll find out who the culprit is and – bonus! – they might choke on the camera. No more falafel thief. Maybe no more falafel, as you’ll probably be in prison, but no more falafel thief. Dear

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, alt-cabaret queen of New York, Bridget Everett, tackles your problems head on. Dear Bridget, I'm hungry all the time, and I'm worried that I'm grossing out my colleagues. How can I stuff my face discreetly? Gary, Bermondsey Dear Gary, I can relate. I get snacky all the time. These three rules will keep you out of hot water: keep it bite-size, leave the stinky shit at home and make sure you have enough to share. Actually, these rules apply to both snacks and life. Dear Bridget, My hands are sweaty and I'm embarrassed to shake people's hands. Can I get away with being a constantly gloved person or should I just share the moisture? Tom, New Cross Dear Tom, Just share the moisture? I think you’ve answered your own question. Not just about handshakes but, as with the last problem, about life! You could do worse than to keep ‘just share the moisture’ as your mantra. If you’re really feeling self-conscious about your palms being sweaty, though, I’d recommend the fist bump. That’s how I greet people, usually followed by the line ‘Hey, cold and flu season is right around the corner.’ You’re really doing everyone a favour. Nobody’s passing along any germs, it’s quick and painless, and it’s a nice throwback to the ’80s. It’s win-win. Dear Bridget, The boy I'm seeing is so into the Euros that he's ignoring me. How can I win him back away from the football? Maud, Camden Dear Maud, I’d say leave him to his footy and use al

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, the sketch duo who always stand in the order of their names Dear Max and Ivan, I drew Spain in my work Euros sweepstake. How do I make sure my colleagues who got France and Germany don't win and that I bag the £40 prize? Graham, Kennington Dear Graham, EASY. Build a time machine, go back to 2012 and give your younger self the Spain sweepstake ticket. Win £40. Then go back to 1968. Invest that £40 in London property. Come back to the present day and laugh at your ‘colleagues’ for having a ‘job’ – look at you, you’re a property magnate! Dear Max and Ivan, I've been asked to bring a salad to a barbecue, do you reckon crisps count? Gillian, Ladbroke Grove Dear Gillian, Who has asked you to do this, and what are the weird psychological subtexts to this request? Is it your boss, testing you, and secretly hoping you’ll bring an entire rack of lamb in a maverick display of executive-level initiative? Your testy neighbour, who has ‘invited’ you but clearly hopes you won’t attend? Or an old friend, mindful that your last barbecue contribution of some ‘still good’ chicken thighs caused a huge salmonella outbreak? Either way, yes, crisps definitely count. Take a big bag of Kettle Chips. And 12 burgers. Dear Max and Ivan, As a foreigner, I find British humour... well, not funny. How can I learn to love your awful ways? Pierre, South Kensington Listen, having lost the Empire and having become certifiably rubbish at all pro

Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, legendary US comedian and ‘Arrested Development’ star Dear David, I always end up dating vegetarians: is God trying to tell me to stop eating meat? Georgia, Archway Dear Georgia, Yes. God is very, very concerned with you, especially your inability to make the flimsiest connections between the constant barrage of signals he’s putting out in the world specifically for you to use as guideposts through life. Also, for the record, if you date a fisherman or marine biologist, you should only ever eat caviar. Dear David, I don't have any tattoos and I like to write in pencil, am I scared of commitment? Kim, Hendon Dear Kim, Well, with laser tattoo removal being so ubiquitous these days, a tattoo isn’t very telling with regard to commitment. I would suggest marrying the pencil in a strict Orthodox Roman Catholic ceremony to really know the answer to that. Dear David, The man in the flat below has an incredibly loud snore and itís keeping me awake. Can I confront a man about his snoring? Cybil, Enfield Dear Cybil, Are you sure it’s a man? An adult man? I’ve heard some infants with extremely loud snores. You might want to check that out first. You could end up looking like a huge dick for yelling at a newborn baby. Dear David, My colleague keeps winking at me: how can I find out if I'm attractive or if he just has a twitch? Olivia, Camberwell Dear Olivia, Next time he winks at you, slap him. Hard. If he’s attracted

Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, ‘Mock the Week’ regular and committed slacktivist, Andy Parsons, tackles your problems head on. Dear Andy, I need an excuse for getting out of going to a friendís wedding next month. Help me out here. Barry, Hampstead Dear Barry, Try and have sex with your friend’s other half. Or with your friend. If you succeed, there must be a good chance the wedding would get cancelled anyway. And if you don’t succeed, chances are any excuse you give will be gratefully accepted. Dear Andy, Wetherspoon's has pro-Brexit beermats. What's the best way to confront this? Steve, Plaistow Dear Steve, Wetherspoon’s beermats take the form of a letter to Christine Lagarde, managing director of the IMF, from Tim Martin, boss of Wetherspoon’s, and include some questions such as ‘Did anyone elect you?’ Just cross out ‘Dear Christine Lagarde’ at the top of the beermat and write in ‘Dear Tim Martin’ then add a few questions of your own such as ‘Did anyone elect you?’, ‘Why are you against the living wage?’ and ‘Why have you got a mullet?’ Dear Andy, I think I'm addicted to TV. How do I reclaim my life? Sarah-Louise, Chelsea Dear Sarah-Louise, There’s either aversion therapy where you watch Channel 5 continuously until you can take no more. Or you gradually wean yourself off television completely by watching catch-up on a tiny phone with a poor wifi-connection. Dear Andy, Look, I get it - this country is rainy. But my colleague deals w

Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, star of the original series of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’, Colin Mochrie, tackles your problems head on. Dear Colin, It's spring and everyone around me is coupling up and doing the deed. How can I get me a slice of that sweet springtime sex action? Patrick, Hampstead Dear Patrick, I suppose that if you really need a slice, you could ask them if you can join in. Most couples I know frown upon a third person just jumping in mid-deed. It tends to throw off the rhythm, and the invasion of personal space can also increase anxiety. Dear Colin, I'm looking for a new place to live, but I have to be interviewed by all my prospective new housemates. Any tips for impressing them? Megan, Clapton Dear Megan, Dress smartly, arrive on time, present recommendations from previous housemates and lie through your ass: ‘My sister and her friends are finally having a swimsuit shoot in town. I’m going to the afterparty with some close buddies’; ‘I’m an Ethiopian prince, I need a place to stay while my fortune is being sorted out’; ‘I’m Robert Downey Jr.’ An easier method may be to hire a private detective to get dirt on prospective housemates and blackmail them. Dear Colin, I share everything with my colleague, but she never gives anything back. Last week, she had a spare salad and she gave it to someone else. How can I tell her she's hurt my feelings? Should I move my desk? Jill, Hammersmith Dear Jill, In my experience, moving