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Eight awful people you'll meet at the theatre

By
Stacy Sobieski
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London has some of the best theatre in the world, but nothing can ruin a show faster than an unruly audience member. The next time you catch a show, pray that you don't end up sat near one of these unutterable bastards.

The Snacker

Yes, that is a whole rotisserie chicken they just pulled out of their bag, followed up with a nice crinkly bag of crisps. And just when you think it's finally over, out come a few individually wrapped mints.

 

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The Commentator

The set is quite impressive, that line was really funny and (in case you didn't already grasp the plot twist) those two characters are having an affair. Whether you ask for it or not, The Commentator will make sure that you (and everyone else in the audience) are fully up-to-date with every detail of the show.

 

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The Person Who Has Seen EVERYTHING

This person will put even the most avid of London theatregoers to shame. Not only did they see Mark Rylance's star turn in 'Jerusalem', they saw it at the Royal Court, in the West End and on Broadway. They've also already got front-row seats to 'Hamilton', despite tickets not being on sale yet.  

 

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The Enthusiast

You thought the show was 'meh' at best, but The Enthusiast is on their feet before the curtain has even fallen. They clap until their hands turn red, blissfully unaware that no one actually yells 'bravo!' in real life. 

 

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The Frisky Couple

Want to hear some funny stories? Ask an usher about things they've witnessed while on the clock, including one particularly amorous couple who warranted a round of applause during a performance of 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time'. Not OK. 

 

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The Scholar

They shelled out a small fortune to secure tickets to see Benedict Cumberbatch in 'Hamlet', and yet they spent the entire performance with their nose buried in a copy of the Complete Works, following along line for line.

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The Napper

London life can be stressful. We get that. But some people seem to think the theatre is a prime place to catch up on some ZZZs... on their neighbour's shoulder... with a string of dribble dangling from their mouths.

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THAT Guy

Sure, Broadway had the guy who climbed onstage before a performance of 'Hand to God' and attempted to charge his phone in a fake plug socket, but London has also had its fair share of incidents. Take the audience member who peed into a wine glass during a performance at the fringe theatre Above the Stag. Or the guy whose phone went off during a performance of 'Clarence Darrow' at the Old Vic, prompting Kevin Spacey to halt the performance and declare, 'If you don't answer that, I will.' Whatever you do, don't be that guy.

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Check out our guide to the best musicals and theatre shows in London.

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