In a city comprised of over 8.6 million people, it's safe to say that London plays host to every job spec known to man... or does it? I'm not talking about the ridiculously-complex titles that continually pop up left, right and centre (take a guess at what a 'Transparency Enhancement Facilitator' does for a living?). I mean more the everyday job titles our fine city is lacking. In an ideal capital, these are the eight alternative jobs that would take pride of place on London's most sought after list (oh, and the answer to that riddle was the ever-trusty 'Window Cleaner'):
1. Mobile Deodorisers
Nothing says summer quite like the fragrant waft of excessive body odour. From the slightly overweight bloke panting in the lift, to those simmering routemasters (round of applause for their easy-open windows), this gag-inducing phenomenon is a nasal delight too far. Cue London’s elite squad of ‘Mobile Deodorisers’, a low-cost concept that simply involves a can of deodorant, an individual with ninja-like reflexes and well-honed nostrils. London will never smell the same again.
2. Train Pushers
The world’s strongest man pushing a locomotive? Not quite. A career that’s already been test driven in Japan, this team of musclemen (and women) spend their days forcing an excessively large number of commuters into an absurdly small train carriage. It’s pretty much the modern day version of ‘how many sweets are in the jar?’, just with a few neon tabard wearing officials thrown in for good measure. Free travelcards for the closest guess?
3. Detouting Agents
Imagine a world where the pavements outside your favourite gig venues and football stadiums weren’t dominated by shouts of ‘you sellin’ a ticket mate?’ This could soon be the reality if London were to introduced this crack team of ‘Detouting Agents’. A Robin Hood/Inspector Gadget hybrid, these chaps would eradicate the fake tickets and the 2 million percent inflation, in favour of distributing real tickets to real fans.
4. Morning After Couriers
You’re hung over, in need of greasy food and – WAIT! Where’s your purse? You had it last night at the bar, but the early hours saw it grow legs and wander off whilst you were preoccupied staring at Mr Shoreditch with the skinny jeans. It’s not until the doorbell rings that a wave of realisation rolls over you. Of course! You left it with the ‘Morning After Courier’. Acting like a boomerang service for your prized possessions, items are handed to them during a night out, with an address attached (just like checking coats into a cloakroom), and voila! The courier drops them off safe and sound the following morning.
5. Floating Tech-Wizards
Mobile phone screen resembling a stained glass window? No problem. Battery about as reliable as a sunny day in London? Relax! It’s time to wave goodbye to constantly failing phones, laptops and tablets, and hello to genius bar-style technology wizards on every street corner. With endless capabilities including instant contactless phone charging for those in need of some extra juice, this concept comes with background checked wizards, ensuring 64GB of your life don’t end up for sale in Brixton Market.
6. Public Etiquette Coaches
If you’re riled by rude behaviour and are pissed off with pushing, nothing could work better than the introduction of ‘Public Etiquette Coaches’. Holding the power to name and shame over public transport tannoy systems, these anti-social behaviour abolishers will strike the fear of God into anyone who dares make a nuisance of themselves. Imagine a world where floors aren’t covered in spittle or gum and single file queueing exists without arguments *sighs*.
7. Queue Professors
We all know that Britain likes to queue like no other nation on earth – we practically invented the concept. However, for those visiting the city (or who eat the rules for breakfast) queuing can be a completely foreign idea. Cue the professors of the art (pun very much intended). These individuals stationed at all major London airports, tourist attractions and public transport hubs, poised and ready to educate those less informed in the technical art of queueing. Positively impacting the lives of both locals and foreigners alike, becoming a master in the art of queuing is the ultimate holiday souvenir (certificate not included).
8. Public Transport Luggage Porters (PTLP)
Let’s cut the crap. Suitcases on public transport are a bloody nuisance. Loathed by everyone but the person travelling to some far-flung destination, these blighters deserve to be relegated to the confines of ‘Room 101’ . Isn’t it about time someone created a separate transportation system, specifically designed for the movement of oversized luggage across the capital? Run by PTLP’s (Public Transport Luggage Porters), these space saviours are every commuters best friend. Now let’s petition Sadiq.