Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners' issues. This week, Hackney funny man Funmbi Omotayo tackles your problems head on.
Dear Funmbi: 'Where do all my café's bloody teaspoons disappear to? I keep ordering them and we have lots for a few days, but the numbers soon dwindle. Is it the staff? Is it the customers? Should I declare a teaspoon amnesty?' Richie, address withheld
Dear Richie: 'I think you should go to the police. Yeah, they have their hands full solving real crimes, but if there’s someone out there stealing teaspoons, they need to know about it. Or you could start your own sting operation – place CCTV cameras in hidden parts of the café to catch the teaspoon bandit red-handed.'
Dear Funmbi: 'Help, I think my husband is addicted to porn!' Jean, Mitcham
Dear Jean: 'So is half of the internet, trust me. He’s not alone. Have you tried talking to him about it? Find out what it is about porn he enjoys so much; it could just be the acting.'
Dear Funmbi: 'I'm so tired of my job. How do I find a new career for myself?' Saskia, Crystal Palace
Dear Saskia: 'Listen, if Donald Trump is running for president, anything is possible. Whether you want to be a lion-tamer, astronaut or kebab-taster, you just need to use a bit of imagination on your CV. ‘Good with animals – once owned a hamster.’ ‘Love space – don’t want to move in with my girlfriend.’ ‘I can identify any kebab blindfolded – that’s just a fact.’
Dear Funmbi: 'I hate my girlfriend's pet rabbit. He's an absolute prick. How do I get rid of him?' Malcolm, Battersea
Dear Malcom: 'I feel your pain, bro, with the whole pet rabbit thing. Difficult times,yo. First World problems got me all stressed out too. But I digress. Look, it’s a rabbit, okay; let it do its thing and you do yours. I mean, what’s it doing to annoy you? Stealing your carrots? Maybe try getting in touch with Elmer Fudd.'
Dear Funmbi: 'I've just moved to London. Where should I live: north, south, east or west?' Tom, nowhere yet
Dear Tom: 'I’d say east because that’s where I’m from, good ol’ east London – Hackney, to be precise. Honestly, it’s a lot like Chelsea: we’re both big fans of bling, dogs and guns. Okay, we’ve had our troubles in the past, but thanks to the Olympics and middle-class white people moving in, we now have a Co-op. You can’t chuck a stone without hitting someone who’s part of a start-up and rides a Chopper, but at least that’s something to do on a quiet afternoon.'
Funmbi Omotayo appears at Soho Theatre, Tottenham Court Rd. Apr 1-2. £12.50.