Don’t step foot inside a cinema until you’ve read our rules for watching the Fifty Shades franchise in public...
1. Go with an open mind
This won’t work if you’re not in the right frame of mind. Know what you’re about to witness (here are ten things to expect ft. melodrama, nudity and sex in lifts) and know it’s likely to be completely and utterly ridiculous.
2. Loosen up
A drink (or three) is likely to help. Just don’t go overboard – there were reports of drunken brawls in the aisles and inebriated women being escorted out of the theatre during ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.
3. Don’t sit on the back row
It’s long been the haunt of horny teenagers and handsy lovers. I once witnessed something I wish I hadn’t during a screening of ‘Bobby’, the 2006 movie about the assassination of Robert F Kennedy. I can only assume what goes on back there during ‘Fifty Shades’ screenings is much, much worse.
4. Don’t dress up
There are certain movie franchises where it's okay, actively encouraged, even, to get into character. Who hasn’t proudly drawn a lightning bolt on their forehead with eyeliner at some point? The Fifty Shades films, however, do not fall into that category. Leave those cable ties at home, chaps.
5. Choose your companion wisely
Sure, you have a close relationship with your mum but is it this close? Really? You’ve felt that awkward, breathless pause when an unexpected sex scene comes on the TV. This is 120 minutes of just that. Don’t do it.
6. Don’t eat snacks
Especially those classic cinema hotdogs. Seriously. It’ll just make everyone else uncomfortable.
'Fifty Shades Darker' is in UK cinemas from Feb 10.