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London's cinema staff reveal the filthiest things they've seen on the job

Tom Huddleston

We've all spilled our popcorn or had a quick snog in the back row. But some cinemagoers take it a whole lot further. We talked to some of London's longest-serving cinema workers to find out the most disgusting, disturbing and hilarious things they've ever experienced in their careers. From crappy nappies to drunken punters to the kind of obscene acts you'll never be able to unsee, these are London's filthiest cinema stories...

‘A woman came back to ask if anyone had handed in her crotchless knickers after the matinee show. They had!’

‘I was closing the cinema and saw a man with his trousers and pants round his ankles, face down in some lady’s crotch. Right there on the dirty cinema floor. I shouted that I was phoning the police. His reply was “Can’t you just let us finish mate?”’

‘I was ushering a parent and baby screening. A woman handed me a cake plate with a used nappy on it on her way out.’

‘A man got really drunk and aggressive, and when we threatened to call the police he started rolling around on his back like a beetle, shouting “Don’t call the big boys”. Later he came back and explained that he’d been to his mother’s funeral that day and wasn’t quite himself.’

‘I was once hosting a screening of the ultra-grim rape-revenge shocker “Last House on the Left”, when someone complained about a couple having sex in the balcony. They must have been really messed up!’

‘A load of teenage boys were running about in the toilets making farting noises, so I went in and told them I’d locked the doors of the cinema and called the police. They all started crying and asking to be allowed to leave. I honestly couldn’t believe they fell for it.’

‘I found a human turd in a cinema toilet urinal once. I’ve wondered ever since how the person angled themselves into position.’

‘I had a complaint from a customer that during “Spectre” a fly had buzzed around on the screen so it was always on James Bond’s forehead. He asked for free tickets to see it again, adding that hopefully the fly would have gone by then.’

‘Somebody threw up, then the usher cleaning it up threw up in disgust, so we had two lots of sick to clean up.’

‘I walked in on a couple smoking crack in the ladies’ loo. I didn’t really know what to say.’

‘A man once left behind his shoes, a ham sandwich and his pipe and tobacco, like he had tried to fake his own death. It was strangely haunting.’

Time Out would like to thank all the traumatised cinema staff who contributed. You know who you are.

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