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News / City Life

Nick Helm solves London's problems

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Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, actor and stand-up Nick Helm tackles your problems head on.

Dear Nick: 'What are the ethics about going to work when you're ill? Should I go in and be the source of an outbreak, or stay home and spare my colleagues?' Henry, Tottenham

Dear Henry: 'Is it more selfish to go into work and get other people sick or stay at home and keep it all to yourself, denying everyone else the opportunity to fall ill and have a legitimate excuse to stay in bed, watch Netflix and wank? If it were me, I’d go in for the first couple of hours, lick all the mugs in the staff room and then fill my boots at home for the rest of the week, knowing that I had done my bit. But then I’m a team player.'

Dear Nick: 'I am ginger, and I'm really pissed off that one of my friends has dyed her hair the same colour as me. Isn't this cultural appropriation?' Kate, Bow

Dear Kate: 'As I sit here typing in my Rasta hat, kimono, curly-toed sultan slippers and kilt, I realise for the first time that maybe – in a way – we’re all guilty of cultural appropriation. I guess you’re right. Thank you for opening my eyes. And even though ginger isn’t a race, in many ways this is worse, because your people don’t have the accepted amnesty that is granted to all the other races,and you are forced to suffer the indignity and injustice of everyday, socially accepted, institutionalised, casual degradation, simply for the colour of your hair. If it means anything to you, might I suggest that you take your friend’s change of hair colour as a misguided compliment? One day your people will rise and be seen as equals, but until then, let it be known that Geri was always my favourite.'

Dear Nick: 'My boiler is broken, so my flatmate suggested that I use the shower at her boyfriend's house. Is she just being nice, or is this some kind of kinky three-way shit?' Victoria, Dagenham

Dear Victoria: 'Hmm? What would I prefer: the chance to have full penetrative sex with two whole real-life people at the same time, or to pathetically dab at my armpits and genitals with a freezing cold flannel every morning as I try to avoid eye contact with myself in the non-fogged-up bathroom mirror? It seems to me that this is a win-win situation, but if you insist on treating it with suspicion, just go with the second option. Stay at home and keep to the well-trodden path. Live an unexamined life and stick to what’s safe. Honestly, you’re going to get to the end of your life and wonder:‘Whatif?’ Iwouldbloody love a three-way. I would bloody love a two-way. And a shower. But apparently that’s not enough for some people. I feel sorry for you.'

Find out how advice compared when Tom Rosenthal solved London's problems.

Nick Helm will appear at the O2 Forum, Kentish Town on Apr 14. His new album Nick Helm Is Fucking Amazing, is out Apr 14.

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