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Your healthy new year goals may be waning already but thanks to your new gym membership, you're still giving it your best shot. Just remember to avoid these fitness faux pas at all costs.
1. Think you're at home
You might pay the price of a small cottage in Cornwall to attend a gym in London but don't mistake it for your actual home. That means toenail clipping, bikini waxing and using the hairdryer on your nether regions is a no-no (true story).
2. Sweat
Not sure if you got the memo, but gyms in London are not actually for exercise. That means turning up with a full face of make-up, wearing designer gym wear and sipping lemon-infused water. None of this:
3. Show off
So you've learnt to dance on a treadmill. Let's see how you cope with real life. You can't dance your way through a tax return, matey.
4. Have an orgasm
Lots of people definitely sound like they are when lifting weights. And yes, they're very heavy, but it could put people off their lemon-infused water. Anyway, no-one does a fake orgasm as well as Meg Ryan.
5. Think you've picked the best locker in the changing rooms
No matter how careful you are with your locker choice – even if you choose the one nearest that old plaster that has been there all week – the person with the locker next to yours will arrive at the exact moment you think you have succeeded in having some space and privacy.
6. Wear see-through leggings for yoga
Fashion at the gym is obviously important – it's why we go, of course. But sometimes, practicality does need to be considered. We don't want to be able to see your too-tight thong or evidence of absolutely no pants at all when you are in downward dog. It might be nice and airy during your sun salutation but we'd rather not be saluting your sun, thank you.
7. Go alone
Sometimes the gym can be much more fun with a friend.
8. Make eye contact when naked
This is like your cat watching you when you wee – awkward and intense. Your eyes should always follow the lead of your pants: pants up, eyes up but pants down, then eyes down. If you do accidentally make eye contact and you and the other person are both naked, apologise and retreat before it gets too hostile. Below is an example of the effect of prolonged naked eye contact.
9. Try a new piece of equipment unsupervised
The gym: it's dangerous.