Winter has indeed arrived. 'Game of Thrones' characters have been warning us for months and now we can look forward to walking home in the dark, getting hat hair and all the shopping for that thing that happens at the end of December. It's time to wrap up warm and suck it up – here are nine things that you must never do to help make your wintery experience more bearable.
'Christmas market' in London-speak actually means gimmicky rubbish at four times the price. 'But you can drink mulled wine while you shop,' I hear you cry. This is true – but you can drink whatever you like sitting on the toilet browsing online for your Christmas shopping. There is no competition: stay indoors – it's safer for your wallet.
You have forked out for that expensive winter coat and it's beautiful, though not actually that warm. All you need to do is not to shave anything from now until spring and it should give you the extra bit of insulation you need. If you can grow your hair long enough, you can also save on scarves and socks.
The clever animals will all be inside, warm in their straw beds, while you'll be outside looking at empty cages and trying to make the most of your fun day out. The animals win again. However, reptiles are fun all year round – who wouldn't want this fella (above) shimmying down their chimney on Christmas Eve?
You must be in a couple during winter – it is the law. If you're single or just home alone for the evening, you'll end up curling into a ball with your chai tea and crying, of course. Yes, everything on TV is against singletons – from the festive films to the cosy department store ads. After all, who will you give an overpriced cuddly toy penguin to if you're all alone? That said, come New Year's Eve, singletons win everything. Whoever heard of a couple having a fun New Years Eve? Please.
Don't let health and safety go out the window just because it's winter. Open fires are dangerous, especially in London where we're all so close to each other. We don't want another Great Fire of London all because of you and your penchant for warm sugary treats. It's much safer to stick on a roaring fire iPhone app and microwave your marshmallows like Nadiya from Bake Off.
If the snow wasn't there, that would be a much darker video. It may snow but most likely it'll snow in April next year when you are holidaying in the UK to save money, so don't get those snowman hopes up this winter. Also, if we go round actively expecting snow, where would the surprise joy come from when London shuts down because the train tracks are covered and the roads are slippy?
Quick! Stock up now. Heating costs have rocketed in London but here's a quick top tip: if you put on all the clothes you own and surround yourself with lit tea lights the accumulative power of all those tiny fires will keep you fairly warm. It also makes you feel all romantic and 'Downton Abbey'.
Animals get cold and tea lights aren't always the safest option with wandering paws. Not only will comedy outfits keep your pets cosy, they'll provide hours of fun, likes on Instagram and new YouTube subscribers.