There are so many places to party in London that I feel like I'm in a Ferrero Rocher advert; 'London, with all these places to drink booze you're really spoiling us'. But while lack of choice is no issue, there are some things you should definitely avoid. Here are seven things you should never do on a night out in London because I want you to survive and prosper.
1. Get your bum out on the tube
It's just not a good idea.
2. Get an Uber home
Price surge alert! Who doesn't hate that pop up that tells you how much more you'll have to pay because of 'high demand'. You take no notice when you're out on the town but it will only make your hangover worse the next day when you realise just how much it cost you to get back to your comfy bed. Top tip: keep partying until after 2am then the surges should have calmed down.
3. Go anywhere near Old Street
You will get run over. That huge Old Street roundabout is a nightmare to cross at the best of times, never mind when you are drunk of mind and body. There are clubs that spill out onto street corners, back streets which at first appearance seem pedestrian only until a stressed Uber driver comes hurtling along and there are even cobbled streets. It is many accidents waiting to happen – steer clear.
4. Buy alcohol...
...in bars, that is. Corner shops and supermarkets, however, are fine. Instead, try pre-drinking – a technique invented by university students and made the most of by cash-savvy Londoners. Budget spirits will raise your spirits much more cost-effectively than a £9 glass of wine. NINE pounds – were the grapes squeezed by The Queen and her corgis?!
5. Assume it's just about dancing and cocktails
Nope, there is origami-making and cocktails, musical bingo and cocktails and Cumberbatch-colouring-in and cocktails (you get the idea)!
6. Bring too many clothes
Cloakrooms in nightclubs in London are the reason British people are known for queuing. You are essentially paying £3 to give away your coat while someone gives you a look of such contempt that you might think you are in the Labour party and Jeremy Corbyn is standing behind you. Also who wouldn't lose a tiny bit of paper with a number on it? This isn't the Women's Institute – I want my coat back, I don't want to win a sticky jar of home-made jam in a raffle. But while you shouldn't bring too much gear, do wear clothes (it's not Newcastle). But stick to things you don't mind getting trampled on/lost/covered in that sticky grime that is only produced in sweaty rooms full of alcohol and snogging.
7. Forget to hit Infernos
You can never go on a night out in south London without hitting Infernos in Clapham. With a massive 2.5 out of five rating on Tripadvisor, you might think it's a bad club and you wouldn't be wrong. Open until 3.30am (yes! Avoid that Uber surge!) Infernos is one of the most infamous clubs in London, known for its banterous clientele, cheesy music and a smell that will last up to four washes. In other words, it's a must for any big night out. You see, anything goes in Infernos. It's character building and while you might not enjoy the experience at the time, you will have excellent stories to tell your mates the next day.