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Shazia Mirza solves London's problems

By Time Out London contributor
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Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners' issues. This week Shazia Mirza tackles your problems head on.

Dear Shazia: 'It's pretty much officially spring. When do I have to start shaving my legs?' Harriet, Hanwell

Dear Harriet: 'Everybody knows that hairy equals horny. All the sexiest men are hairy: Tom Selleck, Sean Connery, Tom Jones. And men love hairy women. There is nothing sexier than a woman walking across a Greek beach with a bush hanging out of her pants. The hair keeps you warm in winter while in summer it feels like someone is stroking you in the breeze. Don’t shave your legs – you’ll look like a boring mannequin with no sex appeal. Think back to lingerie catalogues of the ’60s and ’70s: the sexiest women had a bit of bush and a bit of the Amazon under their armpits. Those were the days.'

Dear Shazia: 'Four of my colleagues got engaged in February. It was a nightmare and it made me feel awful about my total inability to find a girlfriend. Any tips for enjoying the single life?' Jacob, Chigwell

Dear Jacob: 'We all know they only got engaged to split the rent, get a visa and look respectable when the baby is born. They’ve begun their life sentence on death row, and you’re still free! Enjoy it by using the ‘six items or less’ checkout at the supermarket. Enjoy your double bed – sleep with your legs wide open in a star shape and roll around making use of all the space all night. Don’t bother shaving, cleaning or cutting your toenails.'

Dear Shazia: 'I'm absolutely brassic and need to persuade my boss that I deserve a payrise. How can I talk him round?' Lisa, Limehouse

Dear Lisa: 'Comb his hair while he’s at his desk, make him lunch, wash his socks and massage his bum in the lift. Let the tyres down on his car then help him get them replaced. Do his filing and put all his VAT receipts in order. Do his recycling, put his bins out on a Tuesday and book him a dental appointment. He will soon realise he cannot live life without you.'

Dear Shazia: 'How can I get my flatmate to start cleaning up after himself? Iím worried Iím going to get a mixture of E coli, influenza and Ebola.' Mark, Enfield

Dear Mark: 'Send him a letter on Health and Safety Executive paper saying your house is a breeding ground for Aids, Ebola, rabies, Alzheimer’s, insomnia, diabetes and Parkinson’s, and that your lives are at risk. Say you’ll be fined £10,000 and will die within six months if you don’t clean up your house. That’ll get him moving.'

Dear Shazia: '"Making a Murderer". Did he do it? Simon, Blackheath

Dear Simon: 'Of course he did it. Why else would you allow yourself to be filmed for a programme called ‘Making a Murderer’? That would be like OJ Simpson writing a book called "If I did it" or my mum releasing a film called "It Might Be Under the Patio".'

Shazia Mirza appears at the Southbank Centre. Mar 13. £20.

Find out how advice compared when Eddie Izzard solved London's problems.

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