You've survived the game of loans. Now cue the game of dodging job seekers allowance. Whether you’re a student in your final year desperately looking for a graduate job or a recent grad with a thousand unpaid internships under your belt, you’ll know the struggle is real when it comes to finding a job in London. Here's what to expect.
1. You’ll need at least 40 years experience, possess superpowers, be an astronaut, have 9,000,000 LinkedIn connections and the blood of Christ running through your unemployed self before you even consider applying for a job in London.
Looking for a post grad job like pic.twitter.com/3mGtaOcYld— Vicki Tozer (@_vicksolo) December 7, 2015
2. You'll also need to speak a minimum of 20 languages – skills that are not essential but are highly desirable for your application to that entry-level tech startup job on Old Street.
3. You'll begin to hate interviewers as you have to deal with recruitment questions like this: 'So why do you want this internship/job?'
(Your response: 'Well I have always been really passionate about not starving to death in this city, so applying to this job just made sense really.')
4. You’ll always be poor. So say goodbye to your usual weekend piss-up in Soho with your mates and say hello to begging for an out-of-date canned chicken at the local food bank.
5. You'll consider moving back in with the fam who will force you to take the walk of shame to the job centre until you find some kind of employment.
6. To justify your own existence, you’ll have to undertake five slaving unpaid internships. But it's okay, because you'll be rewarded with a free travel card for all your efforts – like, who needs money to buy food anymore?
7. If you're an arty grad, you'll slowly realise you haven't a chance in hell of getting a job in this city unless you have a privileged Chelsea friend who can 'get you in', have connections to some dirty old Lord or you're prepared to simply whore your way up the institutionalised recruitment ladder.
8. You’ll get a tear-inducing part-time job in another east London pop-up or city rooftop bar, mashing up the latest bat-shit crazy trend for the next wave of gentrifying hipsters.
Or worse, you'll end up being some London celeb's personal assistant:
Career goals. pic.twitter.com/Zjr3RE7j7h— Corey (@CoreyBlimey) May 16, 2016
9. When you eventually get a job, you'll get stuck in a frustrating career you couldn’t give a toss about, like a city banker, target-obsessed sales manager or nasty Mayfair PR guru who sells their soul daily to the devil to get Z-listers back on ITV.
10. Or, you’ll interview for the job you really want but spend the last £8 of your student loan topping up your expired student Oyster card just to get to it.